ATTACHMENT STYLES
MORE SATISFYING RELATIONSHIPS
promote deeper connection, improved communication, and greater satisfaction in relationships.
Although there is no such thing as having a “perfect attachment style,” we can work towards building a Secure Attachment Style that allows for the trusting, loving connection we are all naturally longing for.
"The language of secure attachment is also the language of love because it bridges the gaps and creates real intimacy with those around us."
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WHAT ARE ATTACHMENT STYLES?
FEEL & OWN YOUR EMOTIONS
YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF EVERY EMOTION YOU EXPERIENCE
Once we realize our own emotions are 100% our responsibility - we have all the power we need to use Emotional Health Skills to validate, understand, choose rational short-term and long-term actions for self-care, and process through EVERY emotional experience. No one else can truly understand what you are feeling in each moment like you can. No one can read your mind, nor can anyone process your emotions for you.
Emotions tell you what you truly need. When you know what you need, you can plan to meet those needs! Without emotional AWARENESS, you can end up hyper-focusing on others' needs only to feel resentful and unfulfilled.
EMOTIONS ARE IMPERFECT
Emotions are irrational, imperfect, fragile, and sometimes 'childish'. We can't expect emotions to be rational! They don't come from our cerebral cortex. Yet, emotions make life worth living. What would life be like without passion, desire, joy, feeling cherished?
EMOTIONS NEED GUIDANCE
With Emotional Health Skills and Self-Compassion, you'll learn to feel, embrace, identify, and guide your "Inner Child" (emotional experiences and memories). All emotions last a maximum of only 90 seconds if you accept and allow processing.
ATTACHMENT STYLES
SELF LEADERSHIP
WIND MIND & EMOTIONAL MIND
WHAT are ATTACHMENT STYLES?
FORMED IN CHILDHOOD
Our attachment style forms in childhood. If we felt a consistent sense of safety, trust, and felt seen, heard, and valued, we tend to form Secure attachment. If not, we may form an Insecure style.
IMPACTED IN ADULTHOOD
We may have had a secure attachment from childhood, but our experiences in adulthood may have faltered our ability to trust and connect, shifting to an Insecure attachment style.
IDENTIFY TO RESOLVE
Fortunately, once identified and understood, we can resolve Insecure attachment (Dismissing, Fearful, Preoccupied) to Secure attachment - and balance the way in which we interact in relationships, forming Secure attachment with time.
ALLOWS FOR TRUST & CONNECTION
There is no such thing as having a “perfect attachment style.” Even those with Secure attachment have slight ups and downs in relationships. However, having a Secure style allows for the trusting, loving connection we are all naturally longing for.
Without the capacity for Secure attachment, we may find ourselves feeling stressed, triggered, and reacting with default threat-responses and maladaptive protective strategies.
BUILDING SECURE ATTACHMENT
If you find you or your partner has a Dismissing Avoidant, Fearful or Preoccupied attachment style, find comfort in the fact that you can build a Secure attachment style with awareness, knowledge, skills, practice, patience, and more practice.
Working with ingrained attachment patterns and subconscious programming takes time to reprogram, however building Secure attachment is empowering and life-changing.
OVERVIEW OF ATTACHMENT STYLES
DISMISSING AVOIDANT style
also known as 'avoidant'
HOW IT TYPICALLY FEELS
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You’re self-reliant and proud of that; you don't spotlight having needs in relationship and typically feel uncomfortable communicating them
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Subconsciously believe being low maintenance is what it takes to be a good friend, partner, or family member (although you may feel comfortable paying for help, handymen, personal assistants, etc.)
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Have the subtlest feeling of being trapped or exposed when a partner comes too emotionally close
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You leverage criticism well in the workplace, but if you detect your partner is disappointed by you, this can trigger crushing despair and ignite feeling the need to flee
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Logic, reason, and precision are your comfort zones; feelings not so much - this serves you well in many aspects of life, and overall achievement, yet it stifles deep, nourishing, intimate relationship
preoccupied style
also known as 'anxious'
how it typically feels
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Relationships are very important to you - however, you experience a lot of anxiety and hypervigilance in relationships
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Your fantasy of an ideal relationship is one where your partner just “gets” you down to your core; you may subconsciously expect your partner to read your mind and resent them when they don't
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Tend to put others' needs first, without realizing you've sacrificed yourself (your needs, boundaries, limits and perhaps even your own values) - this leads to codependency, feeling dis-empowered, more resentment, and self-resentment
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Deep down you crave love and security, but patterns of anxious, 'needy,' controlling behaviors can push others away
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You may wonder if you’re 'enough' to be worthy of love and real connection
fearful AVOIDANT style
also known as 'disorganized'
HOW IT TYPICALLY FEELS
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You volley between Preoccupied and Avoidant Styles
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One moment you might need a ton of reassurance and closeness from your partner, only to feel engulfed and need to remain distant for days
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May feel painful loneliness and not understand why you cannot find the closeness you have always longed for
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Have a hard time believing that genuine, trusting, real love exists because it seems like forever since you've felt it (or ever felt it)
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Have a deep desire for love and connection, however your behaviors may ward off anyone who would otherwise come close
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May sabotage relationships due to feeling too vulnerable, only to regret later, try to win back, and end up in this hot and cold pattern
secure style
HOW IT TYPICALLY FEELS
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You have the ability to feel comfortable and safe in relationship, as you prioritize your needs, values and boundaries
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You communicate your needs, wants, desires, limits and expectations, instead of expecting your partner to read your mind
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You are discerning - you give your gift of trust to those deemed trustworthy
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You do not tolerate maltreatment and make this clear in your words and actions
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You have a solid foundation of self-trust and balanced boundaries
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Although you don't like rejection or disapproval, you accept that you can't please everyone
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When dealing with rejection or a breakup, you face reality, learn lessons, and take time to grieve and heal through the inevitable pain and disappointment
