ATTACHMENT STYLES

MORE SATISFYING RELATIONSHIPS

 

promote deeper connection, improved communication, and greater satisfaction in relationships.

Although there is no such thing as having a “perfect attachment style,” we can work towards building a Secure Attachment Style that allows for the trusting, loving connection we are all naturally longing for. 

​"The language of secure attachment is also the language of love because it bridges the gaps and creates real intimacy with those around us."

lth

WHAT ARE ATTACHMENT STYLES?

FEEL & OWN YOUR EMOTIONS

Confident Woman

YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF EVERY EMOTION YOU EXPERIENCE

Once we realize our own emotions are 100% our responsibility - we have all the power we need to use Emotional Health Skills to validate, understand, choose rational short-term and long-term actions for self-care, and process through EVERY emotional experience.  No one else can truly understand what you are feeling in each moment like you can. No one can read your mind, nor can anyone process your emotions for you. 

Emotions tell you what you truly need. When you know what you need, you can plan to meet those needs! Without emotional AWARENESS, you can end up hyper-focusing on others' needs only to feel resentful and unfulfilled.

Mother and Daughter Love

EMOTIONS ARE IMPERFECT

Emotions are irrational, imperfect, fragile, and sometimes 'childish'. We can't expect emotions to be rational! They don't come from our cerebral cortex. Yet, emotions make life worth living. What would life be like without passion, desire, joy, feeling cherished?

 

EMOTIONS NEED GUIDANCE

With Emotional Health Skills and Self-Compassion, you'll learn to feel, embrace, identify, and guide your "Inner Child" (emotional experiences and memories). All emotions last a maximum of only 90 seconds if you accept and allow processing. 

ATTACHMENT STYLES

SELF LEADERSHIP

WIND MIND & EMOTIONAL MIND

WHAT are ATTACHMENT STYLES?

FORMED IN CHILDHOOD

Our attachment style forms in childhood. If we felt a consistent sense of safety, trust, and felt seen, heard, and valued, we tend to form Secure attachment. If not, we may form an Insecure style.

 

IMPACTED IN ADULTHOOD

We may have had a secure attachment from childhood, but our experiences in adulthood may have faltered our ability to trust and connect, shifting to an Insecure attachment style.

IDENTIFY TO RESOLVE

Fortunately, once identified and understood, we can resolve Insecure attachment (Dismissing, Fearful, Preoccupied) to Secure attachment - and balance the way in which we interact in relationships, forming Secure attachment with time.

ALLOWS FOR TRUST & CONNECTION

There is no such thing as having a “perfect attachment style.” Even those with Secure attachment have slight ups and downs in relationships. However, having a Secure style allows for the trusting, loving connection we are all naturally longing for.

 

Without the capacity for Secure attachment, we may find ourselves feeling stressed, triggered, and reacting with default threat-responses and maladaptive protective strategies. 

"A great deal of your success in relationships—or lack thereof—can be explained by how you learned to relate to others throughout your childhood as well as later in life."

Mark Manson

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

BUILDING SECURE ATTACHMENT

If you find you or your partner has a Dismissing Avoidant, Fearful or Preoccupied attachment style, find comfort in the fact that you can build a Secure attachment style with awareness, knowledge, skills, practice, patience, and more practice.

 

Working with ingrained attachment patterns and subconscious programming takes time to reprogram, however building Secure attachment is empowering and life-changing.

OVERVIEW OF ATTACHMENT STYLES

DISMISSING AVOIDANT style

also known as 'avoidant'

HOW IT TYPICALLY FEELS

  • You’re self-reliant and proud of that; you don't spotlight having needs in relationship and typically feel uncomfortable communicating them

  • Subconsciously believe being low maintenance is what it takes to be a good friend, partner, or family member (although you may feel comfortable paying for help, handymen, personal assistants, etc.)

  • Have the subtlest feeling of being trapped or exposed when a partner comes too emotionally close

  • You leverage criticism well in the workplace, but if you detect your partner is disappointed by you, this can trigger crushing despair and ignite feeling the need to flee

  • Logic, reason, and precision are your comfort zones; feelings not so much - this serves you well in many aspects of life, and overall achievement, yet it stifles deep, nourishing, intimate relationship

preoccupied style

also known as 'anxious'

how it typically feels

  • Relationships are very important to you - however, you experience a lot of anxiety and hypervigilance in relationships

  • Your fantasy of an ideal relationship is one where your partner just “gets” you down to your core; you may subconsciously expect your partner to read your mind and resent them when they don't

  • Tend to put others' needs first, without realizing you've sacrificed yourself (your needs, boundaries, limits and perhaps even your own values) - this leads to codependency, feeling dis-empowered, more resentment, and self-resentment

  • Deep down you crave love and security, but patterns of anxious, 'needy,' controlling behaviors can push others away 

  • You may wonder if you’re 'enough' to be worthy of love and real connection

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen. You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

Brene Brown, PhD

fearful AVOIDANT style

also known as 'disorganized'

HOW IT TYPICALLY FEELS

  • You volley between Preoccupied and Avoidant Styles

  • One moment you might need a ton of reassurance and closeness from your partner, only to feel engulfed and need to remain distant for days

  • May feel painful loneliness and not understand why you cannot find the closeness you have always longed for

  • Have a hard time believing that genuine, trusting, real love exists because it seems like forever since you've felt it (or ever felt it)

  • Have a deep desire for love and connection, however your behaviors may ward off anyone who would otherwise come close

  • May sabotage relationships due to feeling too vulnerable, only to regret later, try to win back, and end up in this hot and cold pattern

secure style

HOW IT TYPICALLY FEELS

  • You have the ability to feel comfortable and safe in relationship, as you prioritize your needs, values and boundaries

  • You communicate your needs, wants, desires, limits and expectations, instead of expecting your partner to read your mind

  • You are discerning - you give your gift of trust to those deemed trustworthy

  • You do not tolerate maltreatment and make this clear in your words and actions

  • You have a solid foundation of self-trust and balanced boundaries

  • Although you don't like rejection or disapproval, you accept that you can't please everyone

  • When dealing with rejection or a breakup, you face reality, learn lessons, and take time to grieve and heal through the inevitable pain and disappointment

"The language of secure attachment is also the language of love because it bridges the gaps and creates real intimacy with those around us."

Diane Poole-Heller, PhD

 

building secure attachment

FOR COUPLES AND SINGLES

  • STEP 1

    IDENTIFY YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE

    Please take a screenshot of your results. The first chart entitled "Attachment Styles: Traits" is the one I'm interested in.

  • STEP 2

    UNDERSTAND EMOTIONAL NEGLECT

    Identify if you experienced emotional neglect or lack of emotional attunement in childhood.

  • STEP 3

    RELATIONSHIP AS SECURE BASE

    Practices, visualization techniques and guided meditations to help your mind reprogram old fear-based programming.

  • STEP 4

    learn balanced boundaries

    Boundaries are an integral component to building secure, safe, loving relationships. Learn and practice boundary skills.

  • STEP 5

    LEARN EMOTIONAL HEALTH SKILLS

    As humans, we connect emotionally. Without emotional health skills, relationships suffer. 

  • STEP 6

    REALIZE YOUR NEEDS & UNMET NEEDS

    Studies show one of the major characteristics of secure attachers is they know their needs and wants.

  • STEP 7

    COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS & WANTS

    Begin taking small steps to connect with vulnerability and authenticity through feelings and communication.

  • STEP 8

    create space for trust & RECIPROCITY

    Learn skills to connect with curiosity and compassion, courage and vulnerability to create opportunity for deep connection.

 

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Creating Your Balance LLC and information provided is not intended to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any disease or condition.  It is not intended to substitute for the advice, treatment and/or diagnosis of a qualified licensed professional. Creating Your Balance LLC and information provided may not make any medical diagnoses, claims and/or substitute for your personal physician’s care.