REAL

CONNECTION

CAUSES of disconnection

As human beings we connect emotionally. Physical connection is not enough. Without a strong emotional
connection, intimate relationships do not even begin. If emotional connection dwindles, it negatively impacts the fundamental core of relationship, leading to significant distress and break-ups.

attachment

style

Our ability to connect and trust stems from our experiences in adulthood and our Attachment Style formed in childhood. Boundaries skills, or lack thereof, also stem from childhood. 

maladaptivE patterns

Intimate relationships are based on providing comfort, trust and protection. When our partner becomes emotionally disconnected or unresponsive, we can find ourselves in 'getting and protecting behaviors' and other maladaptive patterns.

lack of security

Emotional disconnection feels physiologically unsafe and results in unsettling emotions - anxiety, anger, distress, depressive symptoms and more. Relationship distress impacts us 24/7, which is different than other types of stress.

threat

response

Our Threat System (and amygdala - our built-in alarm system) triggers an auto-response when we feel disconnected, igniting more anxiety, confusion, anger, bitterness, and resentment loops that erode trust and love further. 

“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen. You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

Brene Brown, PhD

relationship as a secure base

techniques and practices

You may not recall what it feels like to be in a securely attached relationship. Thus, it is imperative to visualize your current/future relationship as a secure, loving, home base of satisfying mutual connection. The following practices provide tactile ways to realize this.

GUIDED

IMAGERY

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RESOLVING AVOIDANT PATTERNS

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resolving anxious and preoccupied patterns

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IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

 

realize your relational needs

self-reflection work

Studies show one of the major characteristics of secure attachers is they seek support by communicating their needs and wants. Both Emotional Support (comfort and care) and Instrumental Support (resources, help and problem-solving) are essential for creating secure base.

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“Sharing your feelings cuts through frivolous assumptions and gets straight to what matters.”

Jonice Webb, PhD

COMMUNICATE your needs

introduction

Once you
understand secure attachment, it is time to cultivate this in relationships. If you are single, it is time to begin practicing your new skills with trusted family, friends, and with slowly with potential relationship partners.

If you are in a relationship, you will begin taking small steps to connect with vulnerability and authenticity through feelings and communication.

Use "I" statements and eye contact to communicate your feelings when you're calm, and when the time and place is appropriate. When we share emotions, we risk that the person with whom we are sharing our feelings will care about them.

 

Our feelings are to be honored and shared with only those deemed trustworthy. We need Emotional Health Skills and Boundary Skills for this.

Using “I” statements is a clear, direct way of being genuine. This is where we find connection and trust.

If your partner doesn't have Emotional Health and Boundaries Skills, they may not have the capacity connect with you emotionally without getting triggered into reactivity. However, these skills can be learned (except for rare cases, such as malignant narcissistic disorders). 

 

what is vulnerability?

"Here I am – my frayed edges, my secrets, my fears, my affection." 

 

In return, it invites, "Oh, I see you there. It’s okay, you’re safe."

 

It builds trust, closeness and a sense of belonging – all essential ingredients for real connection.

 

Relationships won’t thrive without it.

 

We need to be careful who we trust with our vulnerability.

Vulnerability is the driving force
of connection. It’s brave. It’s tender. It’s impossible to connect without it.

COMMUNICATE your needs

techniques and practices

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Begin taking small steps to connect with vulnerability and authenticity through feelings and communication.

worksheets

 

"Close connections with others start with feeling connected to ourselves. A downward spiral of negative emotions in an interaction can be replaced by an upward spiral when self-compassion is brought into play."

Kristen Neff, PhD

create space

for trust and authenticity

Connection involves closeness and space. Like breathing, there's an inhale and exhale. Intimacy and attraction builds when we allow for separateness and togetherness, security and surprise.

 

Not enough space and we can feel engulfed. Too much space and we can feel abandoned. There's a balance. It's up to you and your partner to understand your closeness needs, and then communicate them effectively. 

Learn skills to connect with curiosity and compassion, courage and vulnerability to create opportunity for deep connection, trust and wholehearted relationship.

worksheets

videos

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NEED FOR SECURITY & SURPRISE

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ART OF RELATING: CREATING 

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

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the power of vulnerability

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LEARN TO RESPOND RATHER THAN REACT

 
 

building REAL CONNECTION

MORE INFORMATION

  • UNDERSTAND YOUR TRIGGERS

  • IDENTIFY YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE

  • learn balanced boundaries

  • LEARN EMOTIONAL HEALTH SKILLS

 

If you are experiencing a crisis or an emergency dial 911 or Crisis Response at 602.222.9444

© 2020 Copyright Creating Your Balance LLC

Creating Your Balance LLC and information provided is not intended to diagnose, treat, prevent or cure any disease or condition.  It is not intended to substitute for the advice, treatment and/or diagnosis of a qualified licensed professional. Creating Your Balance LLC and information provided may not make any medical diagnoses, claims and/or substitute for your personal physician’s care.