Emotional Regulation and DBT Skills

Realize the profound benefits and fulfillment of working with your emotions, instead of trying to numb them, mindlessly react to them, or get overwhelmed by them.

LEARN MORE

When we resist tough emotions, they don't go away. Instead, they own us, they define us…the more we try to avoid our emotions, the more control they have over our thoughts and behavior.
Brene Brown, PhD

Why Emotional Health Skills?

We spend 12 years in school, learning math, history, etc. but why don't we learn social and emotional skills? Like any skill, emotional health skills need to be taught or at least modeled for us. This is how we learn, practice, and gain the experience that brings the know-how, confidence and self-trust to navigate feelings.

Unfortunately, for many nowadays, we are shown how to maladaptively react, shame, depress or blame others for our own emotions, instead of learning how to process them.

We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.
Brene Brown, PhD

Emotional processing is #1 for nervous system regulation and mental, emotional and relational health

Unprocessed emotions and insecurities
Unprocessed core beliefs about ourselves and others
Leads to chronic nervous system activation and...
Maladaptive coping: Four F's for temporary relief
Only to feel painfully powerless, stuck in the blame-or-shame Trauma Triangle, grappling for a sense of power, only to end up more powerless

We need emotional processing and secure relating skills... to prevent the cycle from continuing...

Your experience of emotional pain changes relative to how you react to it. When you move toward it in an adaptive way, pain shrinks. Try to avoid it, pain grows. If you flee from it, pain pursues you like a monster in a dream.
Tony Fahkry

12 Benefits of Emotional Health Skills

Untangle thoughts from emotions
Process even the most painful emotions
Process rather than depress or over-express emotions
Think clearer, feel cleaner, empowered, confident and focused
More 'feel good' neurochemicals, serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin
Emotional processing is healing, even from trauma
Emotions inform you of your needed limits (boundaries), unique wants, desires, values, interests, likes, dislikes, etc.
Communicate your wants to get more of what you want in life
Know your connection wants to feel more valued and cared for
Leverage the emotions that are energy for action and motivation
Smoother moods, less maladaptive coping: fight (outbursts), flight (anxiety), freeze (depression) and fawn (compliance)
Improves mental, emotional, relational, and physical health, including immune system, blood pressure, and digestion

Hurt feelings don't vanish on their own. They don't heal themselves... they pile up like a debt that will eventually come due.
Marc Brackett, PhD

Self-Leadership 'Wise Mind' Over Feelings, Thoughts and Beliefs

Much like our digestive process, ALL of our emotions are our own — even if influenced or triggered from an event or person! No one can make you digest food or not. No one can make you feel a certain emotion or not. Realistically and scientifically, we have 100% responsibility (power) to understand (assess genuine wants and needs) and process (metabolize) our own emotions.

Wise Mind and Emotional Health Skills

Simply put, Wise Mind is your ability to take 100% responsibility for ALL of your emotions, in order to...

Connect with, oversee and guide thoughts and emotions
Untangle thoughts from emotions (tangled together, thoughts and emotions can cause havoc, anxiety, confusion, chronic stress, depression and 'stuckness')
Process emotions and understand your wants and authenticity
Connect with you actual Self
Calm your nervous system
Remain out of the Drama Trauma Triangle

Without Wise Mind

Without Wise Mind, disconnected from bodily feelings, or trying to 'push down' 'avoid' 'think' 'change' 'gaslight yourself' or 'judge' your way through them, leaves you susceptible to:

Undisciplined thoughts and emotions
Outer Child (reactivity) or depression.
"Amygdala Hijack"
Maladaptive reactions (fight-flight-fawn-freeze)
Reactions can occur in seconds, seems AUTOMATIC
Fogged prefrontal cortex (attention)
Chronic stress (adrenalin and cortisol)
Behavioral and mood disorders
Chronic inflammation, medical conditions

For many, it is not an adult self directing their lives, but rather an the emotional 'inner child' inhabiting an adult body... a hurt, angry, fearful little boy or girl calling the shots.

Stephen Diamond, PhD

Wise Mind for Inner Child & Outer Child

Outer Child

Reactivity

Lizard brain (fight, flight, freeze)
Reactive, not authentically you
Causes havoc on our lives
Maladaptively trying to avoid feelings
Over-expressing (fight)
Depressing your emotions (freeze)
Avoiding to 'flee' emotions (flight)
Causing more anxiety, OCD, ADHD, addictions, depression, etc.
Dysfunctional relating patterns

Wise Mind

Your Balance

Oversees Thoughts & Emotions

Guides, Reasonable, Logical

Observes thoughts and emotions
Gives you power to understand and process EVERY emotional experience
Self-Leadership, Self-Compassion
Self-Discipline, Self-Secure, Self-Care
Discover the purpose of each emotion, your genuine wants, needed limits (boundaries), etc.
Also known as 'The Observing Self' in many therapy modalities

Inner Child

Emotional Mind

Mammalian brain
Authentic, genuinely "You"
Doesn't go away when we turn 18
We never 'grow-out' out of emotions
No right or wrong way to feel
"Inner Child" emotions: spontaneous, imaginative, messy, erratic, needy, temper anger, playful, etc.
"Inner Teen" emotions: like desire, urge to rebel, rage, etc.

Outer Child

Inner Child

Inner Child

True adulthood, security — and the capacity to love and care for yourself and others — involves taking 100% responsibility for your thoughts and emotions. For many, this never happens, which is why so many adults don't behave like adults at all, resulting in a slew of maladaptive ways of depressing, expressing or reacting to emotions.

Stephen Diamond, PhD

Examples of Inner and Outer Child

INNER CHILD / EMOTIONAL MIND

Feelings and Emotions

Present Experience

Feels overwhelmed with too much work.

Feels anxious and inferior at a social gathering.

Feels angry because friend is 20 minutes late.

Feels jealous when husband talks to coworker at work event.

Feels angry about not getting a promotion even though due for one after years of proven success.

OUTER CHILD / REACTIVITY

Impulsivity and Reactions
Acts out Emotions

Procrastinates, rebels, fails to do any work.

Overdrinks and overshares personal information.

Scowls angrily and gives silent treatment.

Tells husband about feeling jealous and not feeling pretty enough.

Seethes and feels 'powerless' (depression) for years and finally sends angry email to boss complaining about not being valued

Emotions have information. when we pay attention to them they give us useable data - which could be a comfort for those of you who might believe that the whole 'feeling thing' is too airy-fairy.

Julia Colwell, PhD

Emotional Literacy: Primary Emotions

EVERY EMOTION HAS A PURPOSE

You may be surprised to learn that every emotion has a distinct message and purpose.

EMOTIONS CHANGE EMOTIONS

Hundreds of recent studies prove how certain emotions like SELF-COMPASSION, CURIOSITY and GRATITUDE help us:

Process painful emotions and feel better
Heal attachment disorders, PTSD, depression, anxiety disorders and more
Understand your emotions so you're aligned with your genuine wants and needs

The goal of Self-Compassion practice is to become a compassionate mess. All of our issues - like entitlement, anger, and self-loathing will be there, but can we hold them with compassion so we're not overwhelmed by them.

Kristin Neff, PhD

Emotions are Neurochemicals and Hormones

HAPPY / CALM IS FULL BODY

Happy is a full-body state of calm
We are meant to be calm, safe and with a 'Sense of Belonging' unless there is an immediate threat to our safety or connection needs
Sometimes in order to be calm and happy, we need to 'feel through' (process) our PROTECTIVE EMOTIONS.

PROTECTIVE EMOTIONS

ANGER: blame, resentment, etc. (purpose: protection, boundaries, values)
SAD: hurt, disappointment, etc. (purpose: healing, releasing, rejuvenation)
FEAR: worry, jealousy, anxiety, etc. (purpose: future-focus, safety, planning)
SHAME: self-blame, regrets, should's, bad, etc. (purpose: belonging, moral compass)

ENERGIZING EMOTIONS

INTEREST: curious, want, desire, valuing, etc.
PASSION: motivated, creative, excited, etc.

Delivering the body from functioning as a storage room for suppressed emotions brings a sense of natural love and ease, a spaciousness, that we commonly call happiness.
Somesh Curti, PhD

Approach

Thoughts vs Emotions

Thoughts are Like a Map of a Town

Much like a map, thoughts stem from the past to help guide us

Thoughts stem from our past or what we've learned from others
Thoughts can be lessons-learned and future what-if's and planning
Much of what we say we feel, are really thoughts/beliefs. "I feel you're unfair." "I feel stupid." "You hurt my feelings." These are thoughts/beliefs!
Indirect, not the true essence of who we are in present moment
Not always rational nor factual
Although thoughts are, of course, incredibly useful!
Can tell you your core beliefs

Approach

Emotions are Being in the Town Real Time

If you want to know how you feel, how do you feel about it right now?

Direct links to your present, authenticity
Neurochemicals and hormones felt physiologically throughout the body
Based on real or perceived events, thoughts or beliefs
Can trigger and entangle with thoughts/beliefs, leading to opinions, beliefs, perceptions, based on past experiences (this has pros and cons)
Inform you, "inner compass" of genuine wants, values, needed limits (boundaries)
Just as hunger motivates to find food, emotions motivate for other needs, like safety and connection
Fuel, ignite blood flow, vigilance, attention, and other physiological reactions to flee from danger, accomplish tasks, align with values, connect with loved-ones
ALWAYS 'on' even though subtle at times

Nobody is responsible for your own sadness except for you. Nobody is responsible for your fear except you. You are the only person responsible for any and all of your emotions... positive, negative, and everything in between.

Chris Cade

Nervous System Chart

Learn more about the Emotional Nervous System with Polyvagal Therapy and Nervous System Science for a more thorough understanding of Emotional and Mental Health and Self-Leadership Skills.

Attend to depression in a grounded, empathetic way. It can stand up for your lost dreams and clear everything inside that threatens those dreams. In essence, giving you a new life.
Karla McLaren, MEd

Emotion Videos

If we don't unpack shame, we cannot reach our core of worthiness and self-love. Things like positive affirmations are useful but they are temporary support to balance negative judgments, like painkillers to diminish the pain temporarily without addressing the cause - in this case, suppressed shame.
Somesh Curti, PhD

Worksheets and Practices

EMOTIONAL HEALTH SKILLS

PROCESSING EMOTIONS

We can't just choose to be happy, but we can choose to be kind ourselves when we're sad. Pain passes more quickly when we don't berate ourselves for feeling.
Lori Deschene

Let's Talk

SEEING NEW CLIENTS AND HIRING COUNSELORS

Schedule a free consultation or contact me if you'd like.

As a Clinical Supervisor, I also have openings for interns and LAC's.

CONTACT ME

Chronic Nervous System Activation Stress and Maladaptive Coping

Nervous System Informed IFS Therapy

Learn how to get unstuck from automatic reactions and behaviors, activated and triggered emotions, automatic assumptions, insecurities, thoughts and limiting beliefs and relational patterns that impact your nervous system, both causes and effects.

Neurochemicals and Symptoms
Core Beliefs and Trauma Triangle Patterns
Maladaptive Reactions Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn
Secure Sense of Self vs Insecurities
Secure Attachment vs Insecure Attachment

When repeatedly criticized, ignored or traumatized in childhood, we learn to survive by over-relying on the use of one or two of the 4F's. This severely impairs our ability to relax into an undefended state, circumscribing us to a very narrow, impoverished experience of life.

Emotional Regulation and DBT Skills

When we resist tough emotions, they don't go away. Instead, they own us, they define us…the more we try to avoid our emotions, the more control they have over our thoughts and behavior. Brene Brown, PhD

Why Emotional Health Skills?

We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions. Brene Brown, PhD

Your experience of emotional pain changes relative to how you react to it. When you move toward it in an adaptive way, pain shrinks. Try to avoid it, pain grows. If you flee from it, pain pursues you like a monster in a dream. Tony Fahkry

12 Benefits of Emotional Health Skills

Hurt feelings don't vanish on their own. They don't heal themselves... they pile up like a debt that will eventually come due. Marc Brackett, PhD

Self-Leadership 'Wise Mind' Over Feelings, Thoughts and Beliefs

Wise Mind and Emotional Health Skills

Without Wise Mind

For many, it is not an adult self directing their lives, but rather an the emotional 'inner child' inhabiting an adult body... a hurt, angry, fearful little boy or girl calling the shots.

Stephen Diamond, PhD

Wise Mind for Inner Child & Outer Child

Outer Child

Wise Mind

Inner Child

Outer Child

Inner Child

Inner Child

Stephen Diamond, PhD

Examples of Inner and Outer Child

Feelings and Emotions

Present Experience

​

Impulsivity and Reactions Acts out Emotions

​

Emotions have information. when we pay attention to them they give us useable data - which could be a comfort for those of you who might believe that the whole 'feeling thing' is too airy-fairy.

Julia Colwell, PhD

Emotional Literacy: Primary Emotions

The goal of Self-Compassion practice is to become a compassionate mess. All of our issues - like entitlement, anger, and self-loathing will be there, but can we hold them with compassion so we're not overwhelmed by them.

Kristin Neff, PhD

Emotions are Neurochemicals and Hormones

Delivering the body from functioning as a storage room for suppressed emotions brings a sense of natural love and ease, a spaciousness, that we commonly call happiness. Somesh Curti, PhD

Thoughts vs Emotions

Nobody is responsible for your own sadness except for you. Nobody is responsible for your fear except you. You are the only person responsible for any and all of your emotions... positive, negative, and everything in between.

Chris Cade

Nervous System Chart

Attend to depression in a grounded, empathetic way. It can stand up for your lost dreams and clear everything inside that threatens those dreams. In essence, giving you a new life. Karla McLaren, MEd

Emotion Videos

Worksheets and Practices

EMOTIONAL HEALTH SKILLS

PROCESSING EMOTIONS

We can't just choose to be happy, but we can choose to be kind ourselves when we're sad. Pain passes more quickly when we don't berate ourselves for feeling. Lori Deschene

SEEING NEW CLIENTS AND HIRING COUNSELORS

Chronic Nervous System Activation Stress and Maladaptive Coping

Nervous System Informed IFS Therapy

Pete Walker, MS cPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

When we resist tough emotions, they don't go away. Instead, they own us, they define us…the more we try to avoid our emotions, the more control they have over our thoughts and behavior.
Brene Brown, PhD

We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.
Brene Brown, PhD

Your experience of emotional pain changes relative to how you react to it. When you move toward it in an adaptive way, pain shrinks. Try to avoid it, pain grows. If you flee from it, pain pursues you like a monster in a dream.
Tony Fahkry

Hurt feelings don't vanish on their own. They don't heal themselves... they pile up like a debt that will eventually come due.
Marc Brackett, PhD

Impulsivity and Reactions
Acts out Emotions

Delivering the body from functioning as a storage room for suppressed emotions brings a sense of natural love and ease, a spaciousness, that we commonly call happiness.
Somesh Curti, PhD

Attend to depression in a grounded, empathetic way. It can stand up for your lost dreams and clear everything inside that threatens those dreams. In essence, giving you a new life.
Karla McLaren, MEd

We can't just choose to be happy, but we can choose to be kind ourselves when we're sad. Pain passes more quickly when we don't berate ourselves for feeling.
Lori Deschene

Pete Walker, MS
cPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving