INNER CRITIC WORK
SELF-LEADERSHIP WITH WISE MIND

“If you are continually judging and criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation.”
Kristin Neff, PhD

self leadership with wise mind

MENTOR YOUR INNER CRITIC

Gaining awareness of your self-talk and the "story" you are telling yourself is profound and transformational work. Learn to mentor your own inner critical thoughts with Wise Mind.

sELF-LEADERSHIP WITH YOUR INNER CRITIC GIVES YOU THE POWER TO:

Break-through anxiety and depression
Gain Self-Leadership over your thoughts
Allow for calmer nervous system
Prevent resentment and reactivity
Process shame and other painful emotions
Attain goals and aspirations
Live aligned with your values
Build your Soothing System
Feel connected with the present moment
Maintain balanced boundaries
Enjoy more connected relationships
Resolve substance and process addictions
Build and maintain a sense of Self-Worth

"The critical voices in our own heads are far more vicious than what we might hear from the outside. Our 'inside critics' have intimate knowledge of us and can zero in on our weakest spots."
Susan Kennedy

We tend to believe Inner Critic, no matter how irrational and berating, because it's been a part of us for as long as we can remember, since about age seven.

FUELED BY INNER SHAME AND SELF-ANGER
We all have an Inner Critic, as part of our inner dialogue. It is fueled by social survival needs, childhood programming, core beliefs, failures, memories, and internalized expectations from culture, family and friends. Inner Critic tends to:

Tell you right or wrong, good or bad, all or nothing
Judge you and harshly compares you to others
Guilt-trip you into saying 'yes' when you mean 'no'
Make you a people-pleaser or rescuer
Attack you, say your worthless, ugly, unlovable, etc.
Push you to be 'good,' 'right,' 'harmless,' 'perfect'
Prioritize others' approval and validation (causing resentment towards yourself and others)

WANTS TO PROTECT YOU
Paradoxically, Inner Critic's overall purpose is to PROTECT you. Inner Critic strives to ensure you don't get 'kicked out of the tribe,' so it's focused on ensuring you are valued, respected and loved. You will notice Inner Critic has a lot to say in terms of BEING MAD at you, your regrets and screw-ups! We must learn to "sit down" with our own Inner Critic with Self-Leadership skills so we can listen to it and its opinions. Otherwise, the self-inflicted anger, blame and shame can be overbearing, berating, counterproductive and erode your sense of self and intrinsic self-worth.

Inner Critic also activates your nervous system, triggering stress hormones as if you are facing a real-life threat. Without awareness and over time, Inner Critic can cause anxiety disorders, reactivity, self-hate (self-disgust), self-sabotaging, deep depression, self-medicating and substance-use disorders, destroy your self-worth, and negatively impact every aspect of your life.

"Shame comes from outside of us, from the messages and expectations of our culture. What comes from the inside of us is a very human need to belong, to relate."
Brene Brown, PhD

"You are not your Inner Critic. I repeat, you are not your Inner Critic."
Tina Curry-Logan

wise mind and emotional mind

GAINING SELF LEADERSHIP

WITH EMOTIONAL HEALTH SKILLS AND WISE MIND

With Wise Mind (awareness and guidance) over your self-talk, you self-connect and catch Inner Critic’s remarks with assertive acknowledgement and curiosity. This shifts your relationship with yourself and your emotional experience, allowing your nervous system to calm for clear thinking and planning.

Without Wise Mind (awareness and guidance) over your self-talk you will end up frustrated, confused or even scared of your own nervous system, emotions, and stress-reactions. But your nervous system (Fight-Flight-Freeze) is simply reacting to your own Inner Critic's thoughts and beliefs (that feel very convincing).

WITHOUT EMOTIONAL HEALTH SKILLS OR WISE MIND

“self-criticism is A SURVIVAL behavior to ensure acceptance within the social group. Even though the alpha dog EATS first, the dog that shows his belly when snarled at still gets his share. Self-criticism, a submissive behavior, IS ABASING ourselves before imaginary otherS—AS IF WE'LL BE rewardED with a few crumbs from the table.”
Kristin Neff, PhD

"Your Inner Critic is simply a part of you that needs more self-love [and guidance].”
Amy Leigh Mercree

REBELLING AGAINST INNER CRITIC
You may find yourself subconsciously rebelling against Inner Critic's incessant demands. This rebelling is similar to how a teenager rails against a parent's rules and control. This part of you that rebels against Inner Critic is known as the Inner Rescuer or Inner Enabler.

INNER RESCUER / SELF-PERMISSIVE
This Inner Rescuer/Enabler tries to protect you from Inner Critic's harsh, controlling, berating nature. Without awareness however, it can end up over-rescuing, resenting, reacting or shutting you down, resulting in procrastination, over-indulgence, outer criticism, outbursts, addictions, maladaptive protective strategies, and patterns of self-sabotaging, such as failed diets, splurges, and binging.

Inner Rescuer/Enabler is that subtle voice in your head that says things like:

"You've worked hard, you deserve a box of cookies."
"You're hurting. Do whatever you need to feel good."
"Who cares about goals and limits. Stop being so strict on yourself. No one is going to care about you more or treat you any better anyways."

"Inside critics are really just trying to protect you. You can: Learn to dialogue with them; Give them new jobs; Turn them into allies."
Susan Kennedy

"Self Compassion is the process of REPARENTING ourselves by meeting our own needs and seeing ourselves as worthy."
Anna Papatheodorou, AMFT

self-discipline and self-care

SELF-LEADERSHIP WITH

SELF COMPASSION IS BALANCE

Without a foundation of Mindful Self-Compassion we tend to get stuck in Self-Permissive or Self-Critical patterns and can swing from one extreme to the other subconsciously. Our brain interprets harsh inner criticism (Inner Critic) the same way it does an external threat - triggering the fight-or-flight, stress response. We get so used to using anxiety and self-criticism we end up oblivious to it's toxic impact.

SELF-CRITICISM WITHOUT SELF-LEADERSHIP IS CHRONIC STRESS

Self-Criticism gives a quick energy boost to get to work, pay bills, not get in trouble, and do enough to get by. It's a stress response that motivates short-term survival.

With Self-Leadership over Inner Critic, we can leverage it's motivation for quick bursts to get sh*t done. However, as a chronic stress response it is catastrophic.

Without awareness, Self-Criticism wrecks havoc, as it:

Elevates stress chemicals (cortisol, adrenaline, etc.) that wear on you physically, mentally and emotionally
Results in chronic stress, low self-worth, inflammation, disease, reduced immune function, chronic fatigue, digestive issues, high blood pressure, anxiety, exhaustion, feeling 'stuck,' and depression
Sets you for more triggered reactions, outbursts and conflict

SELF-PERMISSIVE PATTERNS

We need Self-Leadership over Self-Criticism, otherwise we inevitably get slammed into a fatigued, Self-Permissive state, resulting in procrastination, inner-struggles, self-medicating, self-sabotaging, weight gain, and even depression.

If all we know is Self-Criticism to kick ourselves out of this state, then you can see how the pendulum swings back and forth. Mindful Self-Compassion breaks the cycle.

"WE CAN'T JUST CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY, BUT WE CAN CHOOSE TO BE KIND TO OURSELF WHEN WE'RE SAD. PAIN PASSES MORE QUICKLY WHEN WE DON'T BERATE OURSELVES FOR FEELING."
Lori Deschene

"Your Inner Critic reaffirms untruths about yourself, that you have internalized to be true."
Athena Laz (cool first name)

wise mind and emotional mind

GAINING SELF LEADERSHIP

WITH EMOTIONAL HEALTH SKILLS AND WISE MIND

The dog represents your nervous system response to Inner Critic

With Wise Mind (awareness and guidance) and practices like CATCH (see below) you gain the ability to calmly 'sit with' your Inner Critic, have compassion, understanding, and bring balance to Inner Critical thoughts, beliefs and feelings.

Without Wise Mind (awareness and guidance) over your self-talk, Inner Critic can take over like a dictator, shaming and attacking your core Sense of Self and 'Inner Child," perpetuating triggers, painful emotions, chronic anxiety, panic and shame attacks, reactivity, submissive behaviors, dysfunction and even sinking depression.

WITHOUT EMOTIONAL HEALTH SKILLS OR WISE MIND

The dog represents your nervous system response to Inner Critic

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful. It is our Light, not our Darkness that most frightens us. We ask, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? playing small doesN't serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so others won’t feel unsure around you."
Brene Brown, PhD

Worksheets

Awareness

CATCH

Mentor

INNER CRITIC WORK

SELF-LEADERSHIP AND WISE MIND OVER YOUR INNER CRITIC

step 1

IDENTIFY CRITIC TYPE

Although our Inner Critics are unique to our own experiences, there are common ones, known as the Inner Critic Types (described below and in the video). Take the assessment to identify yours.

>> Inner Critic Type Quiz

step 2

INNER CRITIC AWARENESS

Unawareness is the main issue in of itself! Without awareness, Inner Critic has a way of taking over like a dictator. Left to it's own demise, it uses guilt, shame and fear to control you in many aspects of your life.

>> Building Awareness

step 3

GUIDE INNER CRITIC WITH CATCH

With C.A.T.C.H., you can catch Inner Critic's remarks and mentor your Inner Critic with Wise Mind - providing yourself with inspiration, wisdom, and balanced discipline (instead of self-berating).

>> C.A.T.C.H. Practice

step 4

OBSERVE CRITIC FOR DAY

Start to become more aware of your Inner Critical thoughts by observing your inner dialogue for an entire day. Note any all-or-nothing beliefs, berating thoughts, regrets, should's, shame, expectations and more.

>> Observing Inner Critic

"With much encouragement and practice, the client gradually learns to reject her conditioning to self-abuse and self-abandonment. Her sense of healthy self-protection begins to emerge and over time grows into a fierce willingness to stop unfair criticism - internal or external."
Pete Walker

Types

INNER CRITIC TYPES

PERFECTIONIST

Sets impossibly high standards. Has difficulty saying something is complete. It's expectations may be the internalized voice of a highly critical or perfectionist parent. In its defense, this Inner Critic is trying to protect you from the criticism, judgement or rejection from others! It uses anxiety and shame to drive perfectionism, yet this constant sense of failure becomes exhausting and depressing, causing procrastination, shut-down and I-can’t-care-anymore syndrome.

DESTROYER

Attacks your fundamental self-worth and even your right to exist. It says "You're useless" or "You shouldn't even exist." It convinces you to feel inherently flawed and unworthy of basic loving kindness. This is the most debilitating critic and can result in suicidal ideation and self-harm. It stems from abandonment, abuse or childhood emotional neglect (CEN). In its defense, this Inner Critic believes if it depresses, punishes or destroys your 'weak' Inner Child, you won't experience rejection and abandonment pain from others that it believes is inevitable.

INNER CONTROLLER

Fears it will lose control at any moment. Attempts to manage your impulses to a fault: eating, drinking, etc. It is inevitably polarized with over-indulging and addictive impulses. It's shaming and berating efforts to protect you from yourself tend to fail tragically. It often gives you the message, "You're disgusting," "You should be able to control yourself better." It also nit-picks the smallest things, like "You should've smiled bigger." Simple things become more complicated. Parents with controlling tendencies can cause children to always be on guard and self-conscious.

IMAGE CONTROLLER

Cares about your looks to a fault. Obsesses and criticizes. May invite others to criticize you too, as if to 'beat them to the punch.' Distracts from core wounds of feeling unlovable. It's convinced it can control others' love and acceptance by controlling your appearance. The Inner Rescuer/Enabler tends to step in and rebel against Inner Controller by sabotaging diet plans and fitness goals.

UNDERMINER

Makes direct attacks on your value so you stay small and not take chances. Undermines confidence and self-esteem. Over-protects you from possibility of outshining others. Thinks you're unable to handle judgment, rejection or failure. Says “You can’t do that” and "You shouldn't want that... that's selfish." It can cause self-sabotaging behaviors, limiting beliefs and other maladaptive behavioral patterns that keep you small and 'harmless.'

TASKMASTER

Fears mediocre, laziness and being judged. Whips you into overdrive. Ignites more anxiety than necessary, causing your nervous system to always be "on" resulting in toxic stress and associated health ailments. This Inner Critic doesn't want you to allow your nervous system to calm or take time for yourself! It can drive us to workaholism and process addictions. It could be an internalized parent who constantly pushed you, or the opposite, you may have had an unproductive parent so you detest even a moment of 'laziness.' It's pushing may trigger procrastination, rebellion, and self-sabotaging

MOLDER

It fuels people-pleasing and hypervigilence. It believes that if you appear 'good' and acting 'right,' people will accept and love you so you'll get your social connection needs met. It also forces you into a certain mold based on standards held by society, culture and family. It strives to protect you from being abandoned, shamed or rejected. However, it blocks you from realizing your authenticity, your true nature, your genuine needs and wants, and needed boundaries. You may feel empty like you have 'no self' and suffer from 'self-love deficiency disorder.'

GUILT TRIPPER

Stuck in the past - for wrongs you have done or people you have hurt. Concerned about relationships and holds you to standards prescribed by your culture and family. Refuses to allow you self-forgiveness as it is terrified you'll repeat mistakes. Fuels enabling, people-pleasing, and other maladaptive FAWN behaviors.

COUNSELING AND EMDR THERAPY

INNER CRITIC WORK SELF-LEADERSHIP WITH WISE MIND

“If you are continually judging and criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation.” Kristin Neff, PhD

Gaining awareness of your self-talk and the "story" you are telling yourself is profound and transformational work. Learn to mentor your own inner critical thoughts with Wise Mind.

sELF-LEADERSHIP WITH YOUR INNER CRITIC GIVES YOU THE POWER TO:

Break-through anxiety and depression

Gain Self-Leadership over your thoughts

Allow for calmer nervous system

Prevent resentment and reactivity

Process shame and other painful emotions

Attain goals and aspirations

Live aligned with your values

Build your Soothing System

Feel connected with the present moment

Maintain balanced boundaries

Enjoy more connected relationships

Resolve substance and process addictions

​Build and maintain a sense of Self-Worth

​

"The critical voices in our own heads are far more vicious than what we might hear from the outside. Our 'inside critics' have intimate knowledge of us and can zero in on our weakest spots." Susan Kennedy

We tend to believe Inner Critic, no matter how irrational and berating, because it's been a part of us for as long as we can remember, since about age seven.

FUELED BY INNER SHAME AND SELF-ANGER We all have an Inner Critic, as part of our inner dialogue. It is fueled by social survival needs, childhood programming, core beliefs, failures, memories, and internalized expectations from culture, family and friends. Inner Critic tends to:

Tell you right or wrong, good or bad, all or nothing

Judge you and harshly compares you to others

Guilt-trip you into saying 'yes' when you mean 'no'

Make you a people-pleaser or rescuer

Attack you, say your worthless, ugly, unlovable, etc.

Push you to be 'good,' 'right,' 'harmless,' 'perfect'

Prioritize others' approval and validation (causing resentment towards yourself and others)

"Shame comes from outside of us, from the messages and expectations of our culture. What comes from the inside of us is a very human need to belong, to relate." Brene Brown, PhD

"You are not your Inner Critic. I repeat, you are not your Inner Critic." Tina Curry-Logan

"Your Inner Critic is simply a part of you that needs more self-love [and guidance].” Amy Leigh Mercree

"You've worked hard, you deserve a box of cookies."

​"You're hurting. Do whatever you need to feel good."

"Who cares about goals and limits. Stop being so strict on yourself. No one is going to care about you more or treat you any better anyways."

"Inside critics are really just trying to protect you. You can: Learn to dialogue with them; Give them new jobs; Turn them into allies." Susan Kennedy

"Self Compassion is the process of REPARENTING ourselves by meeting our own needs and seeing ourselves as worthy." Anna Papatheodorou, AMFT