Self-Worth and Secure Relating: Break Free of Maladaptive Triangle Patterns and Roles

Gain awareness and skills that bring you out of conflict, power-struggles, abuse cycles, codependency, resentment, insecurities, depression, disconnection and confusion, and into more confidence, clarity and secure connection.

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At the root of every conflict are unmet needs. If you are in conflict, power struggle or relational distress you are in the Drama Triangle.
Julia Colwell, PhD

Resolving Triangle Patterns, Insecurities and Maladaptive Roles

The Trauma Triangle (aka Drama Triangle, Abuse Cycle, Codependency Triangle, Narcissistic, Victim Triangle) provides a visual of how we fall into 3 roles and a myriad of 'getting' and 'protecting' beliefs and patterns (Four Fs).

Starting in childhood, we absorb these roles, and maladaptive and adaptive roles, through family, relational and social experiences. Keep in mind, we learn in three ways, by (1) what's modeled for us (subconscious programming), (2) trial and error (learning from mistakes) or (3) intentional, like from a book, research, class or through therapy.

Maladaptive core roles and triangle patterns are on a spectrum of moderate to severe. Stemming from mild maladaptive coping to societal expectations and childhood emotional neglect to severe developmental trauma and abuse.

You don't have to be in conflict to be in the Triangle. We live in it subconsciously. Not because we like to be victims, rescuers or critics. We think the only way to keep people close is trying [maladaptive] ways to get our wants or needs met without telling the truth about our wants or needs.
Heidi Priebe

The Triangle: Three Core Roles

Three Core Roles

Rescuer/Hero
Villain/Critic/Know-it-All
Victim/Hurt (everyone in the Triangle inevitably ends up hurt due to not doing or communicating needs and wants with 'I want ____ ')

Although it seems simple at first, the Triangle results in complex maladaptive patterns (the Four F's), chronic nervous system activation (complex-PTSD) and anxiety, depression, insecurities and painful stress chemicals like cortisol.

It makes it difficult, even impossible to get secure connection (feeling seen, heard and valued/worth for real), self-worth, and 'feel good' neurochemicals like serotonin and oxytocin.

Cause and effect of conflict, insecurities, insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized attachment styles and Borderline Personality Disorder) and Codependent/Narcissistic dynamic.

With secure relating skills, our needs, preferences and requests are stated explicitly. Whereas in the Triangle there's this eternal game of trying to get your needs met without explicitly stating what your needs and wants are.
Heidi Priebe

Short Term Conflict

A person plays a role, like
1. Hero giving unsolicited advice or help
2. Critic giving unsolicited 'rightness' or criticism
3. Victim defending, explaining, complaining or blaming
Other person jumps into a role, usually to defend and conflict begins
Only one person can occupy a role at a time
We swap roles, looping in the Triangle trying to 'win our case' defending or explaining how hurt or harmless (Victim), good or helpful (Hero), or right (Critic) we are
Everyone inevitably ends up in the Hurt/Victim role

The Triangle and Victim Consciousness involves a set of beliefs and feelings at the core of a culture and learned in family of origin. It's wired into you. However once aware, you can debunk the thoughts, feelings and beliefs that trap you.
Barry Weinhold, PhD

Long Term Patterns

Without awareness, stuck in the Triangle for years
Repeating, only to feel devalued, unloved, resentful, insecure and chronic stress
Lack of real connection (feeling seen, heard and valued/appreciated)
Lack of 'feel good' neurochemicals like oxytocin and serotonin
Chronic painful emotions and stress chemicals, like cortisol
Only short bursts of connection when "playing a role" in the Triangle instead of feeling genuine, long-term value and lovability
Cause and effect of maladaptive 'getting' and 'protecting' patterns (Four Fs: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn)
Codependency, conflict, controlling, people-pleasing, angry outbursts, resentment, self-medicating, addiction, etc.
Dysfunctional, even abusive relationship with self and others
Confusion, dissociation, inability to feel or make decisions
Failure to get wants met in relationships and overall, due to the lack of feeling wants and communicating wants clearly
Resulting mental, emotional and physical health disorders

If you play any of the Drama Triangle roles you will end up feeling hopeless and helpless.
Tyler Rich LMFT

Self-Leadership 'Wise Mind' Over Feelings, Thoughts and Beliefs

Much like our digestive process, ALL of our emotions are our own — even if influenced or triggered from an event or person! No one can make you digest food or not. No one can make you feel a certain emotion or not. Realistically and scientifically, we have 100% responsibility (power) to understand (assess genuine wants and needs) and process (metabolize) our own emotions.

Wise Mind and Emotional Health Skills

Simply put, Wise Mind is your ability to take 100% responsibility for ALL of your emotions, in order to...

Connect with, oversee and guide thoughts and emotions
Untangle thoughts from emotions (tangled together, thoughts and emotions can cause havoc, anxiety, confusion, chronic stress, depression and 'stuckness')
Process emotions and understand your wants and authenticity
Connect with you actual Self
Calm your nervous system
Remain out of the Drama Trauma Triangle

Without Wise Mind

Without Wise Mind, disconnected from bodily feelings, or trying to 'push down' 'avoid' 'think' 'change' 'gaslight yourself' or 'judge' your way through them, leaves you susceptible to:

Undisciplined thoughts and emotions
Outer Child (reactivity) or depression.
"Amygdala Hijack"
Maladaptive reactions (fight-flight-fawn-freeze)
Reactions can occur in seconds, seems AUTOMATIC
Fogged prefrontal cortex (attention)
Chronic stress (adrenalin and cortisol)
Behavioral and mood disorders
Chronic inflammation, medical conditions

Short Term Conflict

A person plays a role, like
1. Hero giving unsolicited advice or help
2. Critic giving unsolicited 'rightness' or criticism
3. Victim defending, explaining, complaining or blaming
Other person jumps into a role, usually to defend and conflict begins
Only one person can occupy a role at a time
We swap roles, looping in the Triangle trying to 'win our case' defending or explaining how hurt or harmless (Victim), good or helpful (Hero), or right (Critic) we are
Everyone inevitably ends up in the Hurt/Victim role

Anytime we take less than 100% personal responsibility for our own emotions, beliefs, assumptions, words and behaviors, we are in the Victim [Hurt] position.

Julia Colwell, PhD

Wise Mind for Inner Child & Outer Child

Outer Child

Inner Child

Inner Child

Hero

Power Over

Unsolicited advice/help
I'm sorry you _________
You poor thing.
You must tell me your thoughts, feelings, etc.
Sound parental (caretaking)
Apologizing when not directly at fault
Over 100% responsible
Exhausted, anxious, resentful
Hypervigilant, mind-reading instead of taking others words at face value
Assuming you know others needs and wants (or what's best for them) instead of asking
Quickly slips into the Villain/Critic Role as unsolicited advice/help is similar to unsolicited criticism/opinions

Wise Mind

Your Balance

Oversees Thoughts & Emotions

Guides, Reasonable, Logical

Unsolicited criticism/opinions
You should/shouldn't _______
You're wrong about _______
You _______ (opinion about you)
Why do/are you _______
Sound parental (critical)
Stern, aggressive or abusive
Mandating values, beliefs, perceptions on others
Bossy, critical, controlling, picky, distrusting or opinionated
Assuming you know others needs and wants (or what's right) instead of asking
Typically well-intentioned and likely feels they are in the 'Hero Role' without realizing that they've slipped into Villain

Inner Child

Emotional Mind

You make me feel _________
You do/don't _________
They/It made me ________
JADE-ing (justifying, arguing, defending, explaining)
Complaining (rather than communicating wants and needs)
Blaming/Scapegoating anything or anyone (people, politics, weather, substances, habits, addictions, ADHD, anxiety, bad luck, etc.)

True adulthood, security — and the capacity to love and care for yourself and others — involves taking 100% responsibility for your thoughts and emotions. For many, this never happens, which is why so many adults don't behave like adults at all, resulting in a slew of maladaptive ways of depressing, expressing or reacting to emotions.

Stephen Diamond, PhD

Emotional Literacy: Primary Emotions

EVERY EMOTION HAS A PURPOSE

You may be surprised to learn that every emotion has a distinct message and purpose.

EMOTIONS CHANGE EMOTIONS

Hundreds of recent studies prove how certain emotions like SELF-COMPASSION, CURIOSITY and GRATITUDE help us:

Process painful emotions and feel better
Heal attachment disorders, PTSD, depression, anxiety disorders and more
Understand your emotions so you're aligned with your genuine wants and needs

The goal of Self-Compassion practice is to become a compassionate mess. All of our issues - like entitlement, anger, and self-loathing will be there, but can we hold them with compassion so we're not overwhelmed by them.

Kristin Neff, PhD

Emotions are Neurochemicals and Hormones

HAPPY / CALM IS FULL BODY

Happy is a full-body state of calm
We are meant to be calm, safe and with a 'Sense of Belonging' unless there is an immediate threat to our safety or connection needs
Sometimes in order to be calm and happy, we need to 'feel through' (process) our PROTECTIVE EMOTIONS.

PROTECTIVE EMOTIONS

ANGER: blame, resentment, etc. (purpose: protection, boundaries, values)
SAD: hurt, disappointment, etc. (purpose: healing, releasing, rejuvenation)
FEAR: worry, jealousy, anxiety, etc. (purpose: future-focus, safety, planning)
SHAME: self-blame, regrets, should's, bad, etc. (purpose: belonging, moral compass)

ENERGIZING EMOTIONS

INTEREST: curious, want, desire, valuing, etc.
PASSION: motivated, creative, excited, etc.

Delivering the body from functioning as a storage room for suppressed emotions brings a sense of natural love and ease, a spaciousness, that we commonly call happiness.
Somesh Curti, PhD

Approach

Thoughts vs Emotions

Hero

Unsolicited advice/help
I'm sorry you _________
You poor thing.
You must tell me your thoughts, feelings, etc.
Sound parental (caretaking)
Apologizing when not directly at fault
Over 100% responsible
Exhausted, anxious, resentful
Hypervigilant, mind-reading instead of taking others words at face value
Assuming you know others needs and wants (or what's best for them) instead of asking

FEELS LIKE

Urge to 'blend' and 'save' others from emotions (enmeshing)
Over-responsible, resentful, exhausted, anxious, burdened or parental
Despise feeling guilt or 'not needed'
Tend to feel taken advantage of and CODEPENDENT
Incessant need to 'help' others, even when others need to be responsible for themselves (enabling)
Hypervigilant, mind-reading instead of taking others words at face value
Assuming you know others needs and wants instead of asking
Don't recall knowing or clearly stating your real needs and wants yet expect others to know (and if they don't you feel unloved and in Hurt)

Peacemaker

ANXIETY

Responsible for keeping the peace as an intermediary, a go-between, and a mediator
to prevent or pacify other
family members’ conflict,
irritability, anger or other
emotions. Felt responsible
for others’ emotions and
well-being (emotional
enmeshment).

Parental Child

REACT AT

Drafted into the practical aspects of running a household, or assumes responsibility caring for younger siblings
and/or under-functioning parents (loving, well-intentioned parents can go through difficulties, illnesses, heartbreak, and other stressors). Acutely aware of others’ wants and needs, instead of their own.

Hero / "Rock"

COMPLIANT

Family points to as solid
example of family doing
well. Gets good grades, star athlete or other shining accomplishments. There are many gifts to this role! Yet there are serious downsides that often go unnoticed until adulthood, involving lifelong insecurities due to underlying beliefs that self-worth is attached to achievements or rescuing.

Freeze

DEPRESSION

ATS auto-detects uncomfortable emotions and situations as 'severe threats!' Results in brainfog, overwhelm, denial, procrastination, ADD, depression, fatigue.

Invisible Child

ANXIETY

Attempts to blend into
the background to feel
safe and avoid rocking the
(sinking) boat. Feel
ignored, neglected, and
scared to draw attention to themselves, especially in abusive households. Parents may use them, like the hero role, to exemplify how great
the family is doing, since
they are quiet, ‘harmless’ and not causing any trouble.

Dependent Child

REACT AT

Held in an extended or
exaggerated child-like
position, over-protected,
enabled or taught to feel
helpless/powerless. May
occur due to parents’
guilt over circumstances
(working overtime, divorce, or over adaptation to their own difficult or emotional neglected childhood). May turn into Identified Patient

Identified Patient

COMPLIANT

The ‘disordered,’ ‘patient’
or ‘addict’ represents the
culmination of the family’s
issues. As a child this role
is internalized as a core
belief. As an adult, this
family member continues
to serve as a distraction
(sacrificial) from the family’s issues, as the family rallies to get ‘help’ for this ‘hurt’ or ‘disordered’ family member. The perpetual ‘victim consciousness’ and ‘rescuing’ complex between child and parent is catostrophic.

Freeze

DEPRESSION

ATS auto-detects uncomfortable emotions and situations as 'severe threats!' Results in brainfog, overwhelm, denial, procrastination, ADD, depression, fatigue.

Approach

Stage 1: Magical Thinking

Lack cause-and-effect thinking and often act on their impulses

Often blame things that happen as "magical"

Typically blame conflicts on someone or something else

Stage 2: Concrete Thinking

Limited to addressing only what is tangible, visible and obvious aspects of conflicts

Unable to grasp abstract concepts, such as justice, freedom, boundaries

Quick to temper but less likely to hold grudges

Stage 3: Cross Relational Thinking

Can think abstractly, seeing relationships between information but still see the world as acting on them or to them
All-or-nothing thinking, believe people are 'good' or 'bad,' lovable or not
Feeling 'bad'' (shame) is put on others labeling them as 'bad' in order to feel 'good' by trying to convince others they are bad, wrong, etc "You ____."
Stuck in Triangle to feel, think, sound and act out victims or victimizer roles

Stage 4: Systemic Thinking

Think holistically and recognize patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviors
Can listen with curiosity, reflect internally, feel responsibility (healthy shame)
See how the past contributes to current conflict but tend to feel over-responsible
Thus stuck in self-berating, inner criticism (shame) and regret from the past

Stage 5: Trans-Systemic Thinking

Think holistic with Wise Mind (insight and oversight) over thoughts and feelings
Recognize 100% responsibility (healthy shame) for own actions, emotional processing, identifying wants, needs, purpose and communicate as needed
Recognize other adults are 100% responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, behaviors and communicating their own wants and needs
Can listen with curiosity, reflect internally, feel responsibility (healthy shame)
Can collaborate, creative solutions, feel self-forgiveness with lessons learned

Flight

ANXIETY

Reacting to feelings by trying to escape or avoid them by over-working, perfecting, hyper-independence, etc. Results in anxiety, OCD, ADHD and process addictions.

Fight

REACT AT

Reacts to emotions as if they're 'threats' they're powerless over. Tries to get power back by boundarylessly expressing words, demands, blame, complaints or actions at.

Fawn

COMPLIANT

Overrides feelings by taking on 200% power with self-blame with people-pleasing, codependency, over-giving, minimizing others' letdowns and abuse.

Freeze

DEPRESSION

ATS auto-detects uncomfortable emotions and situations as 'severe threats!' Results in brainfog, overwhelm, denial, procrastination, ADD, depression, fatigue.

Nobody is responsible for your own sadness except for you. Nobody is responsible for your fear except you. You are the only person responsible for any and all of your emotions... positive, negative, and everything in between.

Chris Cade

Nervous System Chart

Learn more about the Emotional Nervous System with Polyvagal Therapy and Nervous System Science for a more thorough understanding of Emotional and Mental Health and Self-Leadership Skills.

Attend to depression in a grounded, empathetic way. It can stand up for your lost dreams and clear everything inside that threatens those dreams. In essence, giving you a new life.
Karla McLaren, MEd

Emotion Videos

If we don't unpack shame, we cannot reach our core of worthiness and self-love. Things like positive affirmations are useful but they are temporary support to balance negative judgments, like painkillers to diminish the pain temporarily without addressing the cause - in this case, suppressed shame.
Somesh Curti, PhD

Worksheets and Practices

EMOTIONAL HEALTH SKILLS

PROCESSING EMOTIONS

We can't just choose to be happy, but we can choose to be kind ourselves when we're sad. Pain passes more quickly when we don't berate ourselves for feeling.
Lori Deschene

Let's Talk

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Schedule a free consultation or contact me if you'd like.

As a Clinical Supervisor, I also have openings for interns and LAC's.

CONTACT ME

Chronic Nervous System Activation Stress and Maladaptive Coping

Nervous System Informed IFS Therapy

Learn how to get unstuck from automatic reactions and behaviors, activated and triggered emotions, automatic assumptions, insecurities, thoughts and limiting beliefs and relational patterns that impact your nervous system, both causes and effects.

Neurochemicals and Symptoms
Core Beliefs and Trauma Triangle Patterns
Maladaptive Reactions Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn
Secure Sense of Self vs Insecurities
Secure Attachment vs Insecure Attachment

When repeatedly criticized, ignored or traumatized in childhood, we learn to survive by over-relying on the use of one or two of the 4F's. This severely impairs our ability to relax into an undefended state, circumscribing us to a very narrow, impoverished experience of life.

Self-Worth and Secure Relating: Break Free of Maladaptive Triangle Patterns and Roles

At the root of every conflict are unmet needs. If you are in conflict, power struggle or relational distress you are in the Drama Triangle. Julia Colwell, PhD

Resolving Triangle Patterns, Insecurities and Maladaptive Roles

With secure relating skills, our needs, preferences and requests are stated explicitly. Whereas in the Triangle there's this eternal game of trying to get your needs met without explicitly stating what your needs and wants are. Heidi Priebe

Short Term Conflict

The Triangle and Victim Consciousness involves a set of beliefs and feelings at the core of a culture and learned in family of origin. It's wired into you. However once aware, you can debunk the thoughts, feelings and beliefs that trap you. Barry Weinhold, PhD

Long Term Patterns

If you play any of the Drama Triangle roles you will end up feeling hopeless and helpless. Tyler Rich LMFT

Self-Leadership 'Wise Mind' Over Feelings, Thoughts and Beliefs

Wise Mind and Emotional Health Skills

Without Wise Mind

Short Term Conflict

Anytime we take less than 100% personal responsibility for our own emotions, beliefs, assumptions, words and behaviors, we are in the Victim [Hurt] position.

Julia Colwell, PhD

Wise Mind for Inner Child & Outer Child

Outer Child

Inner Child

Inner Child

Hero

Wise Mind

Inner Child

Stephen Diamond, PhD

Emotional Literacy: Primary Emotions

The goal of Self-Compassion practice is to become a compassionate mess. All of our issues - like entitlement, anger, and self-loathing will be there, but can we hold them with compassion so we're not overwhelmed by them.

Kristin Neff, PhD

Emotions are Neurochemicals and Hormones

Delivering the body from functioning as a storage room for suppressed emotions brings a sense of natural love and ease, a spaciousness, that we commonly call happiness. Somesh Curti, PhD

Thoughts vs Emotions

ANXIETY

REACT AT

COMPLIANT

DEPRESSION

ANXIETY

REACT AT

COMPLIANT

DEPRESSION

ANXIETY

REACT AT

COMPLIANT

DEPRESSION

Nobody is responsible for your own sadness except for you. Nobody is responsible for your fear except you. You are the only person responsible for any and all of your emotions... positive, negative, and everything in between.

Chris Cade

Nervous System Chart

Attend to depression in a grounded, empathetic way. It can stand up for your lost dreams and clear everything inside that threatens those dreams. In essence, giving you a new life. Karla McLaren, MEd

Emotion Videos

Worksheets and Practices

EMOTIONAL HEALTH SKILLS

PROCESSING EMOTIONS

We can't just choose to be happy, but we can choose to be kind ourselves when we're sad. Pain passes more quickly when we don't berate ourselves for feeling. Lori Deschene

SEEING NEW CLIENTS AND HIRING COUNSELORS

Chronic Nervous System Activation Stress and Maladaptive Coping

Nervous System Informed IFS Therapy

Pete Walker, MS cPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

At the root of every conflict are unmet needs. If you are in conflict, power struggle or relational distress you are in the Drama Triangle.
Julia Colwell, PhD

With secure relating skills, our needs, preferences and requests are stated explicitly. Whereas in the Triangle there's this eternal game of trying to get your needs met without explicitly stating what your needs and wants are.
Heidi Priebe

The Triangle and Victim Consciousness involves a set of beliefs and feelings at the core of a culture and learned in family of origin. It's wired into you. However once aware, you can debunk the thoughts, feelings and beliefs that trap you.
Barry Weinhold, PhD

If you play any of the Drama Triangle roles you will end up feeling hopeless and helpless.
Tyler Rich LMFT

Delivering the body from functioning as a storage room for suppressed emotions brings a sense of natural love and ease, a spaciousness, that we commonly call happiness.
Somesh Curti, PhD

Attend to depression in a grounded, empathetic way. It can stand up for your lost dreams and clear everything inside that threatens those dreams. In essence, giving you a new life.
Karla McLaren, MEd

We can't just choose to be happy, but we can choose to be kind ourselves when we're sad. Pain passes more quickly when we don't berate ourselves for feeling.
Lori Deschene

Pete Walker, MS
cPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving