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TRUST IS A GIFT
trust and betrayal
what is trust?
and what to do when it's broken
The healing required from betrayal is a personal and unique process. However, having direction and an overall guideline for healing can be invaluable.
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RETHINKING INFIDELITY
WHAT TO DO WHEN TRUST IS BROKEN
WHAT TO DO WHEN TRUST IS BROKEN
These steps provide an overview of how you may recover and rebuild trust. The steps are not linear - they swirl and cycle throughout your healing process. This overview is also not an exact science - it is a guideline to work from.
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1
acknowledge the wrongdoing
"Trauma begins to heal when we acknowledge the wrongdoing... your ability to express remorse and guilt for hurting your partner is essential... it communicates, 'I care about you.' 'You matter to me,' Our relationship is important to me.'" Esther Perel
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2
take responsibility for bringing up the betrayal
The betrayer becomes responsible for bringing up the affair and checking-in with their partner in a proactive and consistent manner. This reassures the betrayed partner that you haven't forgotten, nor brushing it under the rug. This frees the betrayed partner from feeling the need to obsess about it, as described by Esther's in the video above.
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3
MAKE SAFE SPACE FOR HEALING
Dedicate and schedule a specific amount of time (at least 10 minutes a day) to talk about the betrayal together. This creates a SAFE SPACE to express genuine emotions and feelings... worry, insecurities, anger, terror, and the deep level of pain this has caused.
Once the scheduled time is up, you both agree to close the discussion, like closing a container. You will come back together, and 'open the container back up' the following day.
the betrayed
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Agrees to not bring up the betrayal outside of this SAFE SPACE (this includes aggressive comments, passive aggressive remarks, and questions)
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​Uses this SAFE SPACE for healing by sharing how this has IMPACTED YOU, your life, your trust, your love, how you view your partner, the relationship overall and more
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Vents how this betrayal has impacted you, your FEELINGS, FEARS, ANGER, and CONCERNS
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Asks curious questions (such as "How did you let this happen?" "How can you reassure me this will never happen again?" "What do you love about me?") instead of detective questions. In Esther Perel's video above, she describes how being a detective and demanding answers to detailed questions is not helpful - and can end up causing more pain and destruction.
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THE BETRAYER
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Promises to remain present and receptive, even though it's difficult
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Gains and shows the strength and patience necessary to tolerate the pain your actions have caused
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Your automatic response may be to defend yourself with the INTENT TO PROTECT yourself - instead, it is essential to have the INTENT TO LEARN and listen to how this has impacted your partner
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4
THE BETRAYER
SELF-DISCOVERY & RECOVERY PROTOCOL
WHY INFIDELITY HAPPENS?
This is where individual therapy and counseling is imperative. The answer to this big question - the "Why" - takes time. Realize the fuel source for the infidelity. This work is also imperative to create a recovery protocol and self-leadership plan to ensure infidelity never happens again.
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There are a multitude of reasons as to why infidelity happens. Here are a few reasons to think about:
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Starvation for emotional connection
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Insecure attachment style (avoidant, anxious, fearful)
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A wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves
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An escape from unrelenting emptiness
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Grappling for freedom due to feeling controlled and powerless
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Insatiable desire to feel special, important and loved
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The idea that there is a perfect marriage or relationship
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The false belief that passion should always runs high
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Affairs keep you wanting and desiring what you can't have
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Lured by the power of the forbidden
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Self-loathing and seeking a new self
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"When we seek the gaze of another, it isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that ourselves have become. And isn't so much that we are looking for another person, as much we are looking for another 'self.'"
Esther Perel, PhD
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REBUILD the foundation of TRUST
When trust is violated, it is important to allow the betrayed partner to take the space and time they need to heal. Trust cannot be forced, much like we can't demand a plant to grow. Trust involves patience, time, vulnerability, honesty, and dedication to being trustworthy. It is an exchange of faith and thus both parties need to tend to cultivating, 'watering,' and rebuilding trust.
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TRUST WORKSHEET
This 'Trust is a Gift' worksheet is not going to answer all your questions related to trust, however it helps you think about what trust is and what you need to feel trusting and trustworthy.
Once you understand more about what trust is and what it means to you, you gain the power to begin working on re-establishing trust and love within your relationship.
“Trust is the active engagement with the unknown. Trust is risky. It’s vulnerable. It’s a leap of faith.”
Esther Perel, PhD
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grievING and healING
HOW INFIDELITY IMPACTS US
Betrayal is heart-breaking, traumatic, and results in shattering "attachment distress" and "primal panic." Your pain is not just in your head, your pain is real and requires a healing process. This wound can impact every layer of your being and life.
Healing involves grieving, ensuring support and guidance from others, processing through rightful anger, regaining self-trust, and understanding when and how to give the gift of trust again.
These videos, although lengthy, provide imperative information that help both partners understand why and how infidelity impacts us so deeply.
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INFIDELITY TRAUMA
"It is a tall order, [we expect] one person to give us what an entire village used to provide... you used to have a community that gave you a sense of purpose, an identity, church... all of this has been siffoned into one relationship. So when you have an infidelity... it breaks you... a complete shattering of self."
Esther Perel, PhD
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