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Attachment Styles
What? Why? How?
Our Attachment Style is at Our Core
Secure and Insecure Types: Anxious, Avoidant and Fearful-Avoidant
Are you stuck in anxiety, insecurities, resentment, relational issues, conflict, people-pleasing, obsessing or perfectionism? Or do you tend to sabotage your own goals, have depression, maladaptive coping or avoidance? It's likely you have an Insecure Attachment Style (Anxious, Avoidant or Disorganized). Approximately 50% of adults in our society do according to recent data.
Research spanning decades shows how insecure attachment impacts us, including its link to higher levels of depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. Our attachment style stems from childhood and is at the core of how we feel about ourselves and others. Treating attachment has been shown to improve or resolve mental, emotional, relational and stress-related physical health conditions.
“A securely attached child will store an internal working model of a responsive, loving, reliable caregiver, and a self that is worthy of love and attention... an insecurely attached child may view the world as dangerous and see oneself as ineffective and unworthy of love."
Jeremy Holmes
“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other.”
Esther Perel, PhD
Our Attachment Style Impacts All Areas of Our Lives
Attachment Style = Capacity for Secure Sense of Self and Secure Connection (Feeling Seen, Heard, Valued)
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Our attachment style is at the core of our Sense of Self, self-worth and self-care
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Effects our thoughts, emotions, behaviors, nervous system and neurochemicals each moment
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Impacts our ability to process emotions and realize our wants, needs, interests and purpose
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Predicts the quality and duration of relationships
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Directly correlates to how we interact with others - family, friends, coworkers, community, and even how we view the world at large.
Insecure Attachment Style is 100% Treatable. It Starts with Awareness
Fortunately, our attachment style isn't set in stone. It can change and evolve. By learning and practicing, we can develop more secure patterns and experience a Secure Sense of Self and Secure Attachment Style.
Four Attachment Styles
Secure and Insecure Types: Anxious, Avoidant and Fearful-Avoidant
Even though we all tend to have some traits and tendencies of each style at some point in our lives, we tend to default to one more than the other, along with associated triggers, assumptions, core beliefs and maladaptive reactions that cause can havoc on our lives.
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Impact on Our Nervous System, Neurochemicals, Emotions, Reactions
Attachment Style is our 'programming,' our core beliefs, self-worth or lack thereof, our ability to connect with ourselves and others, and our ability to respond to stress. Insecure Attachment Styles result in Maladaptive Stress Reactions, Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn.
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Avoidant Style
Fearful Avoidant
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Anxious Style
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Fearful Avoidant
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Anxious Style
Avoidant Style
Emotional Processing and Nervous System Regulation Skills
DBT Skills and Compassion Focused Therapy
Connection is a Need: Lifelong Need to Connect and Attachment is a Basic Human Survival Need — Let's talk about the elephant in the room — dependency. Society often paints it as a weakness. Well, surprise! Our need to connect, especially in a partnership, is completely natural and crucial part of our sense of survival and safety. Needing others to see, hear and value us is part of what makes us feel calm and joy — instead of anxious and depressed — and even our sense of worthiness to exist (self-worth).
Connection is What Fuels Us to Take Care of Ourselves Our relationship with others is what motivates us to take care of ourselves (self-care) and to even get out of bed in the morning. Connection is what gives us a sense of freedom, purpose, belonging, motivation, gratitude and peace.
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Balance of Independence and Dependence: Two Sides of the Same Coin There is no such thing as complete independence. Just like there is no such thing as not needing water. We are dependent on water to survive. There is such thing as too much water. We need to listen to our bodies to determine how much water we need in each moment. Same thing with connection. You'll notice sometimes you need 'me time' and sometimes you crave connection. But either way, you will notice how you need to have access to water at anytime in order to feel safe and calm. Can you imagine not knowing where and when you are going to get your next drink of water?!?! You'd be in a chronic fight-or-flight state of anxiety and hypervigilance. Same goes for our connection needs.
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Your Safe Haven: The Comfort of Attachment We all have moments when life gets overwhelming. When that happens, being close to someone you love feels like fresh air. That's not just poetic language, it's back by science. Your loved one's proximity has a calming effect on your nervous system. Think of your relationship as a safe haven that shields you from life's stress and uncertainties. This emotional comfort zone is essential for your ongoing personal growth and mental well-being. here is no such thing as complete independence. Just like there is no such thing as not needing water. We are dependent on water to survive. There is such thing as too much water. We need to listen to our bodies to determine how much water we need in each moment. Same thing with connection. You'll notice sometimes you need 'me time' and sometimes you crave connection. But either way, you will notice how you need to have access to water at anytime in order to feel safe and calm. Can you imagine not knowing where and when you are going to get your next drink of water?!?! You'd be in a chronic fight-or-flight state of anxiety and hypervigilance. Same goes for our connection needs.
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Signs of Anxious Style
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Feel ashamed of needing connection (feel 'too needy' or like 'too much')
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Seek reassurance to alleviate anxiety
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Feel anxious or upset if a partner seems distant, critical or unhappy
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Preoccupation with approval, closeness, texting and 'mindreading'
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Tend to be self-critical or perfectionistic
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May sacrifice healthy self-reliance and self-care to focus on others
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Part of you always trying to feel 'good enough,' 'pretty enough,' 'smart enough,' etc.
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Subconsciously depress your emotions (wants and needs)
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Subconsciously expect others' to mindread your wants and needs
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Resentment, passive aggressive due to not getting wants and needs
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Reactivity and outbursts (Protesting behaviors)
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Comparing, detecting, obsessing
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People-pleasing, fixing, over-helping​, over-responsible, enabling
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Hypervigilance, anxiety, OCD, ADHD
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Prone to Fawn, Flight reactions (with moments of Fight)
Anxious attachers often struggle to see their own positive points. They’re highly critical of themselves, so even though they think highly of others, they might believe they are flawed and not worthy of love.
Signs of Avoidant Style
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Feel shame about needing space, freedom and 'me time' (feel 'too pressured' or like others' expect 'too much' of them)
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Seek distance to alleviate anxiety and pressure
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Very independent, feels 'I can only depend on myself'
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Trust practicality, but tend to 'intellectually bypass' emotions
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Distancing behaviors, conscious or subconscious (over-working, over-perfecting, over-gaming, substance use and other distracting behaviors)
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Phobia of enmeshment (rightful fear of being forced to be boundaryless)
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May feel suffocated with 'too much' emotional expectation
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Subconscious fear of enmeshment or being taken advantage of
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Discomfort /disgust with own feelings of 'needing connection'
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Subconscious core beliefs that view connection needs as weak, instead of realizing that connection (feeling seen, heard and valued) is a survival need and without it we have anxiety, shame, depression, etc.
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Prone to long-distance relationships or situationships
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May fantasize about 'perfect ideal partner' or an ex (time provides emotional distance that feels safe), like the 'one that got away'
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Extreme avoidant types are prone to situationships with married or unavailable people
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Extreme avoidant types are prone to affairs and emotional affairs
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Prone to Flight, Freeze reactions (with moments of Fight)
We all fear rejection (shame) and enmeshment (boundaryless). We need balanced connection with boundaries (closeness and space), to feel valued as a unique individual. Without it our nervous system fires off anxiety, anger, shame. Avoidants are enmeshment-phobic, feeling shame for needing space while depressing feelings of 'neediness' 24/7 with hyper-independent walls, work, structure, perfectionism, success, distancing, blaming, sabotaging, binging, etc.
Signs of Fearful Avoidant / Disorganized
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Both anxious and avoidant style traits (see above), and thus feel ashamed/bad for needing connection (feel 'too needy' or like 'too much') AND feel shame about needing space, freedom and 'me time' (feel 'too pressured' or like others' expect 'too much' of them)
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Tend to feel unlovable at your core
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Push-pull dynamic, desire closeness but fear being hurt or rejected
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Extremely self-critical and remorseful with guilt and shame
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Often result of trauma, abuse, hypercritical or narcissistic parent
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May seek safety from same person who you've learned is not safe or incapable of providing you with secure connection
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Lack of boundaries skills (boundaries were punished in childhood)
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Hypervigilance, anxiety, substance-use issues
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Dissociation and emotional flashback due to complex-PTSD
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May end up in casual sexual relationships, promiscuity
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Associated with Borderline Personality Disorder, which is fully resolvable with attachment-based therapy and building a Secure Attachment Style
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Experience extremely painful emotions and high risk of suicide
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Reactivity, volatility and outbursts due to emotional pain
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Experience painful relational patterns and prone to relationships with other Fearful-Avoidant Types and Cluster B Disorders, such as Narcissistic
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Prone to Fight, Flight, Fawn and Freeze reactions
​Flight/Fawn vs
Fight/FawnThis attachment style, described by Pete Walker — psychotherapist and author of Complex-PTSD, From Surviving to Thriving — may result in a "diagnosis of borderline because the individual's flashbacks trigger a myriad of maladaptive protective strategies [fight, flight, fawn, freeze] due to a panicky sense of abandonment and a desperation for love that causes a dramatic split back and forth between fighting and clawing for love [fight mode] and flatteringly groveling [fawn mode] for it."
Fearful-avoidants think "I want to feel safe but I assume they will hurt or reject me eventually." Having learned to not trust, fearful-avoidants despise, shame and depress their own feelings of 'need for connection' and 'need for space' while staying on high alert for subtle signs of betrayal and rejection.
Secure Sense of Self and Secure Attachment Style
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Capacity to feel safe, protected, loved, seen, heard and valued
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Capacity to provide and receive, both space and closeness
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Capacity to feel emotions (genuine wants and needs) and think about practicality when making decisions, both short and long term
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Enjoys simple time, 'being there' is 'enough' (both 'me time' and time with loved-ones)
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Feels 'I am enough' to be loved and cared for, because well... we all are
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Value and trust those deemed trustworthy
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Feel feelings and emotional processing (instead of depressing or expressing emotions)
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Since emotions tell us our authentic likes, dislikes, interests, values, wants, needs and limits, this allows for fulfilling, secure connection
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Communicates wants, needs, likes, ideas and solutions with I statements "I want ____" without JADE-ing (justify, argue, defend, explain) or complaining
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Gives and receives 5 Love Languages: time, comforting touch, gifts, acts of service, words of appreciation and affirmation
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Asks for consent before giving criticism, help, advice, etc.
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Takes responsibility for the consequences of behaviors
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Empathic and caring but aware of own limits (boundaries)
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Chooses adaptive Fight, Flight, Fawn, Freeze when appropriate
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Naturally stays out of the Codependency/Abuse Cycle/Drama Triangle (DDT) due to all of the above points
The #1 trait of Secure Attachers is they feel their feelings (their genuine wants and needs) and communicate their wants and needs with
"I want/need/would like ______"​ statements.
"So if you want a better relationship, you need to give up making a project out of changing the relationship or your partner, and make a project out of expressing your own wants and needs."
Jenny Brown, PhD
WHAT is My Attachment Style: Awareness
Watch the Videos First, Then Choose Your Workbook (s)
Anxious Type Videos
Avoidant Type Videos
Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganized
Secure Type Videos
Watch These Anxious Style Videos
10 Signs You May Have Anxious Attachment Style
Anxious Attachment: The Blindspot That Keeps You Repeating The Same Relationship Mistakes
Anxious Attachment: Check These 5 Blindspots If You're Feeling Unfulfilled In Your Relationships
Why The Anxious Attachment Style Fears Intimacy (even though they think they are comfy with it)
Anxious Workbook
Watch These Avoidant Style Videos
10 Signs You May Have Avoidant Attachment Style
Avoidant Attachment: The Blindspot That Keeps You Repeating The Same Relationship Mistakes
Avoidant Attachment: Check These 5 Blindspots If Your Relationship Is Stuck In Conflict Cycles
Avoidant Attachment: Signs You’re ‘Intellectually Bypassing’ Your Emotions (And How To Stop)
Avoidant Workbook
Watch These Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Videos
10 Signs You May Have Fearful-Avoidant Style
Fearful Avoidant Attachment: The Blindspot That Keeps You Repeating Same Mistakes
Fearful-Avoidant: Check These 5 Blindspots If Your Relationship Is Stuck In Conflict Cycles
Fearful-Avoidant: How Intimacy Scarcity Keeps You Codependent (And How To Change It)
8 Signs of Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style
How The Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style Deals With Anger
Fearful-Avoidant Workbook
Watch These Secure Style Videos
10 Signs You Have Secure Style (and/or Healing)
6 Qualities Of A Securely Attached Relationship
Secure Workbook
More Videos to Learn More
Anxious Obsessing Makes You Unavailable (Insecure Attachment)
The 4 Attachment Styles In Relationships
Anxious vs Avoidant Styles & Emotional Pain
Attachment Style Behaviors that Destroy Relationships (Anxious/Avoidant)
WHY My Attachment Style: The Causes
Childhood Emotional Neglect
How Does An Anxious Attachment Style Develop?
Defining Attachment Trauma: How to Heal Attachment Wounds
Navigating Conflict With An Avoidant
How Does A Fearful-Avoidant Style Develop?
How Does An Avoidant Attachment Style Develop?
How Does An Avoidant Attachment Style Develop?
Navigating Conflict With An Anxiously Attached
How to Heal and Build Secure Attachment Style (Secure Sense of Self and Capacity for Connection)
Step 1: Learning and Awareness
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What is Connection? Why it's a Survival Need? How it Impacts our Nervous System, Emotions and Health?
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What are Attachment Styles (Capacity Levels for Connection)?
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Your Attachment Style and why you have this type (reflect on childhood and adulthood experiences)
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What Secure Attachment Style is and how it creates the capacity to have a 'Secure Self' with Self-Awareness, Emotional Self-Connection and Processing Skills, Self-Compassion, Self-Trust, Self-Agency, Self-Responsibility and Self-Leadership, and capacity to have Connection (feel seen, heard and valued) and balanced, fulfilling, 'healthy' Relationships
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Your Stress Reaction Type(s) and maladaptive stress reactions: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn
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Your Codependency / Drama Triangle Maladaptive Patterns
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Your Core Roles and Core Beliefs
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Your Triggers and Patterns (combination of all of the above)
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Watch the additional videos below and review book recommendations
Step 2: Skills Building, Processing, Healing
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Emotional Health Skills (identify and process emotions)
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Nervous System Regulation
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Building Soothing System and Oxytocin
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Inner Critic and Inner Child Work
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Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Skills
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Processing and Healing with Skills
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​Communication Skills
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Boundaries Skills​
Step 3: Practicing and Thriving
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With Awarness and Skills, begin practicing in real life throughout the day
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​Feel results you can actually see, hear and feel
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It takes time but the little glimmers of results create more motivation
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Begin to experience more self-connection, self-trust and Sense of Self Security
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Notice your relationships and day to day experiences feel more solid and fulfilling, as part of having a Secure Attachment Style and Sense of Self-Leadership and 'Secure Self'
Anxious Attachment: Using Space And Self-Regulation To Build Intimacy
Anxious Attachment: 3 Early Signs Of Healing
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: 3 Signs Of Healing
How To Metabolize Emotional Pain
Healing Anxious Attachment
Healing Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganized Attachment
More About Healing Avoidant (Expecting Rejection)
Anxious/Avoidant Relationships: Heal Through Shadow Work (Processing what was repressed)
Avoidant Attachment: 3 Early Signs Of Healing
Inner Child Work: What It Is And How To Do It
Emotional Self-Containment: What It Is & How To Practice It
Healing Avoidant Attachment
More About Healing Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganized
More About Healing Anxious to Secure
Understanding Shame is Essential for Healing
Shame and The Wish to Be Loved
Toxic Shame: What It Is And How To Heal From It
Research and Shame - Mindful Self Compassion
The "Ick": Why Sudden Disgust Comes Online In Relationships & What We Can Do About It
Toxic Shame: How it Leads to Dysregulation
Disgust: The Gateway Emotion for Healing Toxic Shame
