_edited.png)
SHAME DETOX
UNPACKING SHAME: HEALTHY VS TOXIC SHAME
​
"If we don't unpack shame, we cannot reach our core of WORTHINESS AND SELF-love. Positive affirmations are useful but they ARE temporary support to balance negative judgments, like painkillers TO diminish the pain temporarily without addressing the cause - in this case, suppressed shame."
Somesh Curti, PhD
"We can't selectively numb emotion. Numb the dark and you numb the light."
Brene Brown, PhD
what shame feels like
MOST DIFFICULT EMOTION
​
THE PAIN OF SHAME AND GUILT
Shame, also known as guilt, involves a physiological response that tends to be so viscerally painful that we do almost anything to not feel it, or make it go away if we are feeling it. Notice how shame feels similar to anxiety and depression mixed together. It activates your Sympathetic Nervous System (Fight-or-Flight) and Parasympathetic Nervous System (Freeze) at the same time.
​
AVOIDANCE PATTERNS AND MALADAPTIVE PROTECTIVE STRATEGIES
Without awareness, it is EXTREMELY LIKELY shame is driving your life in some capacity - either shame is calling the shots or you're attempting to avoid feeling it through maladaptive protective strategies and subconscious stress-reactions that work to temporarily 'over-protect' you from feeling the pain of shame (self-abandonment).
Learning to sit with shame, understand it and consciously process it with Emotional Health Skills like R.A.I.N., is one of the most, if not THE MOST, empowering life skill.
​
​
​
"The feeling of shame has a reputation of being the vampire of emotions – the feeling that will suck the life right out of you. Because it comes with a very physical discomfort."
Ericka Martin, MA, LPC
social emotion
WHAT IS SHAME?
SHAME IS A SOCIAL EMOTION
Shame's job is to ensure you don't disappoint or get kicked out of the 'tribe' (family, social group, or society). Feeling connection, a Sense of Belonging/Purpose/Value is a survival need, whether we like it or not. Thus, the mere thought of not belonging or not being good enough ignites shame, ‘loneliness’ and beliefs that we are unworthy of love.
INTERNALIZED SHAME
Most of the shame we feel nowadays is linked to subconscious self-shame, known as Internalized Shame and voiced by our Inner Critics. Thus, sitting at home, alone can trigger more painful shame than standing in front of audience.
SHAME "SHOULD'S" YOU
Shame tells you what you "should" do and be in each moment. Shame tends to be all-or-nothing. It collapses you when you've done something, or about to do something 'bad.' Our perception of 'bad-versus-good' stems from subconscious programming, family, certain religious beliefs, social norms, primal fears, early childhood experiences and core beliefs.
Not all of this programming is helpful. Some of it is hypercritical, limiting, extreme, and self-abusive. Inner shame can also get projected onto others as blame and criticism.
​
​
Shame is one of the moST painful emotions because it DETECTS FOR THE most foundational of human SURVIVAL needs, the need to feel safe, CONNECTED and the need to belong.
inner critic and beliefs
INTERNALIZED SHAME
The self-conscious nature of shame is linked to its social nature. Shame can be toxic, especially when we are programmed to believe we 'should' only feel certain emotions. As if there is a right-or-wrong way to feel. Moreover, Internalized Shame (Inner Critic) tends to:
-
Shame certain emotions, like sadness, and thus blocking healing
-
Shame you for feeling shame (can cause shame attacks)
-
Cause and result of depression (freeze mode)
-
Block you from pleasant emotions
-
Compare you with 'perfect ideals'
-
Tell you what you "should" be doing
-
Convince you to be hopeless
-
Be harsh, rigid, all-or-nothing, black-or-white
-
Shame you for drinking, eating, relaxing, etc.
-
Guilt you into childhood roles (hero, scapegoat, etc.)
-
Take over-responsibility for others (rescuer) or under-responsibility for yourself (Drama Triangle)
-
Say you're broken, flawed, bad, inadequate
-
Tamper with your self-worth
-
Involve Inner Critic shame-based beliefs
-
Cause and result of maladaptive protective behavioral patterns, stress-reactions, relationship dysfunction, self-sabotaging, and addictions
​
​
wITHOUT AWARENESS, SELF-LEADERSHIP AND SELF-COMPASSION OVER OUR OWN AUTHENTIC VS INAUTHENTIC SHAME, WE GET STUCK IN VICTIM CONSCIOUSNESS, MALADAPTIVE PROTECTIVE PATTERNS, REPEATED FAILURES, SELF-BERATING, AND DEPRESSION.
authentic versus inauthentic
HEALTHY VS TOXIC SHAME
Unpacking shame, understanding authentic (healthy) vs inauthentic (toxic) shame, and bringing your core beliefs and shame-based programming out of the dark and into the light, and learn to process shame with Emotional Health Skills and Mindful Self-Compassion is an empowering, even life-saving process.
​
authentic
'healthy' shame
Based on our morals, values, rules and boundaries we personally agree to willingly. Authentic Shame serves as an alarm system to alert of 'bad' or unalignment, and as a compass to guide us away from harmful or self-sabotaging impulses.
When we IDENTIFY AND correct our wrongdoings - as best we can - AND LEARN FROM OUR REGRETS AND MISTAKES, authentic shame will naturally lift with relieF AND self-forgiveness.
inauthentic
'TOXIC' shame
Subconscious 'contracts' that stem from: childhood; perceptions of others' expectations; family pressures; cultural norms. Core beliefs of what we are supposed to be (perfect, hero, caretaker, always nice, always tough, never sad, always logical, etc.).
inauthentic shame HAS AN Insatiable appetite for PERFECTION AND EVER-CHANGING GOAL POSTS. INCESSANT INNER CRITIC KEEPS YOU TRAPPED IN SELF-BERATING, SELF-VICTIMIZING AND MORE SHAME.
HEALTHY SHAME MOTIVATES FOR GOAL ACHEIVEMENT. IT helps you live a value-drive life. It acts like a curb, nudging you back to alignment with your deepest sense of integrity. WRONG IS WRONG. EVEN WHEN IT HELPS YOU.
shame-based
CORE BELIEFS
​
WHAT ARE CORE BELIEFS?
-
Part of our unconscious programming, 'wired' into us from an early age
-
Perceptions, not facts, about ourselves, others, and the world overall.
-
Can wreck havoc on our self-worth
-
Can impact every thought, behavior and decision and we make.
-
Part of our Inner Dialogue as an Inner Critic
It is imperative to unveil your core beliefs (along with prescribed roles from childhood) and make them conscious. With awareness, you gain empowered Self-Leadership to mindfully and rationally balance your core beliefs.
​
​
​​
Toxic shame is the pervasive feeling that who we are, rather than what we have done, is condemnable. as if we are unworthy, unlovable, and defective. THIS makes it difficult to BE OUR authentic self, thus sustaining intimate relationships can be challenging.
core beliefs are feelings
NOT JUST THOUGHTS
​
Core Beliefs are tricky because they typically show up as a "FELT SENSE" of shame, anxiety, tugging loneliness, dark emptiness, gunky depression, etc., rather than as WORDS.
​
CORE BELIEFS ARE FEELINGS
Core beliefs usually communicate with FEELINGS of shame, like feeling broken or feeling like a failure, instead of actual thoughts like "I am broken" or "I am a failure."
Core beliefs FEEL convincing even though they are irrational, because they hide in the darkness of your unconscious, urging and stabbing you like a devil's fork within. It is likely your core beliefs will only show up as actual WORDS or THOUGHTS within your inner dialogue when you're triggered, regretful, or essentially going through hell.
​
"NO MATTER HOW MUCH WORK ON YOUR EXTERNAL LIFE, YOU STILL FIND YOURSELF CONSUMED BY TOXIC SHAME, ANGER, SELF-PITY, AND SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS. NO ONE TAUGHT YOU TO TAKE THE HARD PATH, PEEK UNDERNEATH THE CURTAIN OF YOUR MIND AND SHINE A TORCH INTO ITS DEEPEST RECESSES."
Aletheia Luna
"We heal ourselves on the mental level as we become aware of our core beliefs, release those that limit us, and open to more supportive ideas and greater understanding."
Shakti Gawain
what shame feels like
THREE PARADOXES OF SHAME
​
"shame arises out of the wish to be loved. the wish to be loved is universal and it drives the whole train of shame. YET what connects us more than anything else is our wish to be loved."
Christopher Germer, PhD
PRACTICING SHAME DETOX
step 1 WATCH VIDEOS
​
SHAME IS THE MOST DIFFICULT EMOTION
​
HEALTHY VS TOXIC SHAME
step 2 CORE ROLES AND CORE BELIEFS
step 3 TEARING UP CONTRACTS AND IDENTIFYING VALUES
Identify your shamed-based beliefs. Choose between Authentic and Inauthentic shame.
Learn to feel shame, so you may chose actions aligned with your values (even when no one is looking)
step 4 INNER CRITIC WORK
step 5 MINDFUL SELF-COMPASSION
