SHAME DETOX

Learn the difference between healthy (authentic) shame and toxic shame. Then learn to unpack shame, by bringing awareness to your core beliefs and current 'shoulds' while 'detoxing' and deciphering which beliefs you truly agree to or not.

"If we don't unpack shame, we cannot reach our core of worthiness and self-love. Things like positive affirmations are useful but they are temporary support to balance negative judgments, like painkillers to diminish the pain temporarily without addressing the cause - in this case, suppressed shame."
Somesh Curti, PhD

UNPACKING SHAME

HEALTHY VS TOXIC SHAME

Shame, also known as feeling ashamed, 'bad' or guilty, involves a physiological response that tends to be so viscerally painful that we do almost anything avoid it or make it go away. Or... and this is when it gets really tricky, we would rather get shamed (get criticized) or inner-shamed (inner critic) than feel powerless or abandoned. Shame can also collapse us into feelings of isolation, helplessness, worthlessness, unlovability and intrinsically flawed. Shame tends to be an all-or-nothing, perfect-or-failure feeling.

In in the image below, notice how shame feels like anxiety and depression at the same time.

Shame activates your Sympathetic Nervous System (Fight-or-Flight) which acts like an accelerator of stress hormones
And Parasympathetic Nervous System (Freeze Mode) which depresses (like pressing the brakes) at the same time

HOW EMOTIONS FEEL IN THE BODY

"The feeling of shame has a reputation of being the vampire of emotions – the feeling that will suck the life right out of you. Because it comes with a very physical discomfort."
Ericka Martin, MA, LPC

AVOIDANCE PATTERNS AND MALADAPTIVE 'GETTING' AND 'PROTECTING' REACTIONS

Without awareness, it is EXTREMELY LIKELY shame is driving your life in some capacity - either shame is calling the shots or you're attempting to avoid feeling it through maladaptive coping and protective strategies, and subconscious stress-reactions that work to temporarily 'over-protect' you from feeling the pain of shame.

Learning to sit with shame, understand it with curiosity and consciously process it is one of the most, if not THE MOST, empowering emotional health skill.

"Our ‘tricky’ brains can produce dozens of unwanted thoughts... we can hold onto the pain of the past, we can get triggered by unwanted anxieties about the future, and we can attack present unwanted emotions with our Inner Critics."
Andreas Comninos, PhD

WHAT IS SHAME?
Shame is a Social Emotion

Shame's job is to ensure you don't disappoint or get kicked out of the 'tribe' (family, social group, or society). Feeling connection is a human survival NEED that includes the following, to list of few:

Sense of Belonging
Sense of Purpose (Self-Worth)
Feeling Valued by Loved-Ones
Sense of Inspiration
Sense of Gratitude
Sense of Security and Guidelines

Thus, the mere thought of not belonging or not being good enough ignites shame, ‘loneliness’ and beliefs that we are unworthy of love, worthless, intrinsically bad, and the list goes on and on.

"Shame is one of the most painful emotions because it detects for the most foundational of human survival needs, the need to feel safe, connected and the need to belong."
Chris Germer, PhD

SHAME IS YOUR 'INNER SHOULD' AND 'INNER CRITIC'

SHAME SHOULD'S YOU

Shame tells you what you "should" do and be in each moment. It tends to:

Be all-or-nothing
Triggers 'bad feelings' when you've done something, or about to do something 'bad'
Reminds you of your past "should'ves" and mistakes until you learn from them

INTERNALIZED SHAME

Most of the shame we feel nowadays is linked to subconscious self-shame, known as Internalized Shame and voiced by our Inner Critics.

Thus, sitting at home, alone can trigger more painful shame than standing in front of audience.
Inner shame can also get projected onto others as blame and criticism!

SUBCONSCIOUS PROGRAMMING

Our perception of 'bad-versus-good' stems from subconscious programming, family, belief systems, social norms, primal fears, early childhood experiences, traumatic experiences and core beliefs.

Some of this programming is helpful and even life-saving!
Some of this programming is harmful, hypercritical, limiting, extreme, and self-abusive

"No matter how much work on your external life, you still find yourself consumed by toxic shame, anger, self-pity and self-destructive behaviors. No one taught you to take the hard path, peek underneath the curtain of your mind and shine a torch into its deepest recesses."
Aletheia Luna, PhD

SELF-CONSCIOUS NATURE OF SHAME IS LINKED TO ITS SOCIAL NATURE

The self-conscious nature of shame is linked to its social nature. Shame can be toxic, especially when we are programmed to believe we 'should' only feel certain emotions. As if there is a right-or-wrong way to feel. Moreover, Internalized Shame (Inner Critic) tends to:

Shame certain emotions, like sadness, and thus blocking healing
Shame you into self-attacks (can cause shame attacks)
Cause and result of most types of depression (freeze mode)
Block you from pleasant emotions
Compare you with 'perfect ideals'
Tell you what you "should" be doing
Convince you to be hopeless
Be harsh, rigid, all-or-nothing, black-or-white
Shame you for hoping, relaxing, etc.
Toxic Positivity, rejecting real emotions
Guilt you into childhood roles (hero, scapegoat, caretaker, etc.)
Take over-responsibility for others (rescuer) or under-responsibility for yourself (Codependency Triangle)
Say you're broken, flawed, bad, inadequate
Tamper with your self-worth
Cause and result of maladaptive protective behavioral patterns, stress-reactions, relationship dysfunction, self-sabotaging, and addictions

"We heal ourselves on the mental level as we become aware of our core beliefs, release those that limit us, and open to more supportive ideas and greater understanding."
Shakti Gawain

SHAMED-BASED CORE BELIEFS AND CHILDHOOD ROLES

Our Sense of Self is tied into our core beliefs, experiences and childhood roles. Thus our shame-based beliefs are part of our unconscious programming, 'wired' into us from an early age.

Perceptions, not necessarily facts, about ourselves, others, and the world
Can impact every thought, behavior and decision and we make

It is imperative to unveil your core beliefs (along with prescribed roles from childhood) and make them conscious. With awareness, you gain empowered Self-Leadership to mindfully and rationally 'detox' and balance your core beliefs.

FEELINGS, NOT JUST THOUGHTS

Core Beliefs are tricky because they typically show up as a "FELT SENSE" of shame, anxiety, tugging loneliness, dark emptiness, gunky depression, etc., rather than as word-based thoughts. Core beliefs typically:

Show up as FEELINGS of shame, like feeling broken or feeling like a failure, instead of actual thoughts like "I am broken" or "I am a failure"
FEEL convincing even though they are irrational, because they hide in the darkness of your unconscious, urging and stabbing you like a devil's fork within.
Likely only show up as actual WORDS or THOUGHTS within your inner dialogue when you're triggered, regretful, or essentially going through hell.

"Healthy shame motivates for goal achievement. It helps you live a value-driven life. It acts like a curb, nudging you back to alignment with your deepest sense of integrity. Wrong is wrong. Even when it helps you."
Karla McLaren, EdD

HEALTHY VS TOXIC SHAME

Unpacking and 'detoxing' shame involves understanding authentic (healthy) vs inauthentic (toxic) shame. Bring your core beliefs and shame-based programming out of the dark and into the light and learn to process shame with Emotional Health Skills and Mindful Self-Compassion.

AUTHENTIC
'HEALTHY SHAME'

Consciously and personally agreed to
Morals, values, rules and boundaries agreed to willingly
Serves as a healthy inner alarm to alert of 'bad' or unalignment, and as a compass to guide us away from harmful or self-sabotaging impulses.

INAUTHENTIC
'TOXIC SHAME'

Subconscious 'contracts' that stem from childhood, traumatic experiences, others' expectations, cultural norms, etc.
Core beliefs of what we are supposed to be (perfect, hero, caretaker, always nice, always tough, never sad, always logical, etc.).

"Healthy Shame helps you live up to the agreements you’ve made and the morals you value. Shame protects your position in the social world, and it protects you from stepping off of the path you’ve set for yourself."
Karla McLaren, EdD

"Toxic shame is the pervasive feeling that who we are, rather than what we have done, is condemnable. as if we are unworthy, unlovable, and defective. This makes it difficult to be our authentic self, thus sustaining intimate relationships can be challenging."
Brene Brown, PhD

SELF-COMPASSION IS BALANCE

Without a foundation of self-awareness and Self-Leadership with Self-Compassion we tend to get stuck in Self-Permissive or Self-Critical patterns and swing from one extreme to the other subconsciously.

SELF-COMPASSION IS BOTH A MINDSET AND ACTION-ORIENTED PRACTICES

If all we know is Self-Criticism you can see how the pendulum swings back and forth.
With Mindful Self-Compassion we learn to process our emotions with Emotional Health Skills and gain Self-Leadership over our Inner Critic to lead and leverage Inner Critic's quick bursts of anxiety to get sh*t done, while calming it so it doesn't turn into a chronic stress, Self-Permissive states or shut-down.
Self-Compassion also helps us tap self-motivation and the fueling Drive System with value-aligned choices and goals

"Lack of self-forgiveness causes almost all of our self-sabotaging behavior."
Mark Victor Hansen

"When we practice self-compassion, we are actually moving our sense of safety from the Threat System to our own care-giving Soothing System. This awakens our own ability to ‘self-soothe’ which triggers the release of opiates and oxytocin, which generates feelings of safety and peace."
Andreas Comninos, PhD

WHAT IS SHAME?
Shame is a Social Emotion

WORKSHEETS AND PRACTICES

EMOTIONAL HEALTH SKILLS

8. COMPLEX-PTSD and PTSD RECOVERY

Self-Compassion heals childhood and developmental trauma. Research also shows that veterans who practice daily Self-Compassion have exceptionally higher rates of recovery, for PTSD and substance use disorders. https://self-compassion.org/the-research/

9. FEEL MORE HAPPINESS

Having a compassionate mindset and practicing Self-Compassion methods activate the pleasure centers in our brain, increasing 'feel good' neurochemicals and hormones like serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin.

10. BE MORE ATTRACTIVE

A kind, self-compassionate heart radiates attractive qualities. Self-Compassion also allows for a calmer nervous system that creates a trusted, positive 'vibe.' https://self-compassion.org/the-research

11. MAKE US HEALTHIER

Self-compassion yields a number of benefits, including reduced inflammatory response, increase immune function, greater heart rate variability, regulation of emotions, healthier eating behaviors and more. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5779931

12. REWIRE OLD PROGRAMMING

We learn to be self-permissive or self-berating by internalizing how we were treated growing-up. Self-Compassion gives us the power to parent, guide and protect ourselves the way we truly need to feel good, create loving relationships, accomplish goals, and thrive.

MORE ABOUT THE THREE SYSTEMS

THREAT SYSTEM

Keeps us alive, by scanning for and identifying threats. Fine-tuned over thousands of years of generations. Anxiety, panic and depressive disorders are examples of an over-engaged Threat System. PTSD is also a version of an overactive Threat System.

SURVIVAL

Focused on survival, it interferes with our capacity to relax, connect with others, listen, sleep, feel joy, love, trust, heal, rest and digest.

REACTIVITY

Threat-based emotions (fear, anger, disgust, etc.), do not know the difference between a perceived or real threat.
Without awareness and access to our Soothing System, we react to triggers, assumptions, real or perceived threats within 100 milliseconds!

RUMINATING THOUGHTS

Our ability to recall the past and regrets, while also imagine the future, create what-if's, keeps Threat System on-guard, ruminating and over-thing, even in the absence of a real threat.
We feel and ruminate over the sting of negative memories, like being reprimanded much more powerfully than we feel the joy of praise.

"I define [toxic] shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed, unworthy of love and belonging – as if something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection."
Brene Brown, PhD

DRIVE SYSTEM

Powerfully motivating, it focuses our attention on pursuits. However, it can push us towards behaviors that cause harm to ourselves or others – leading to stress, perfectionism, burnout, depression.

MOTIVATES

Motivates towards our needs (food, water, connection, shelter, and comfort) and wants (achievement, success, money, status, social rank, etc.)

REWARD DRIVEN

Influenced by dopamine, the ‘reward chemical’ (short-bursts of pleasure).
Urges us to 'get more,' eat more, achieve more, crave more, etc.

ADHD, PERFECTIONISM, OCD

Typically fueled by an over-achieving Inner Critic
Urges us to keep doing, working, achieving, cleaning, etc.
Undisciplined, without Self-Leadership and Self-Compassion leads to perfectionism, obsessive behaviors, perfectionism, and other behaviors

ADDICTIONS

Can lead to substance addictions, over-eating, over-spending, chasing and ruminating in unrequited love (love addiction) and other types of process addictions, including extreme behaviors such as cheating, lying, stealing.
These maladaptive protective behaviors can be conscious or unconscious ways to flee painful emotions and feelings.

multi-purpose business woman with a large number of hands.jpg

"Self Compassion is the process of reparenting ourselves by meeting our own needs and seeing ourselves as worthy."
Anna Papatheodorou, AMFT

SOOTHING SYSTEM

The Soothing System operates naturally when there are no threats to defend against. Nowadays, however, even when we are safe in the moment, we have berating Inner Critics.

SUSTAINABLE

Unlike the Threat and Drive Systems that can over-activate us, the Soothing System is a more sustainable fuel source of balanced self-discipline, self-protection and self-care.
Sustainable self-worth is associated with living aligned with personal values and accomplishments, long-term goal attainment, action-oriented and consistent self-care and peaceful states – feeling safe, calm, and content.

OXYTOCIN, SEROTONIN, ENDORPHINS

Taps into neurochemicals oxytocin, endorphins, and other opiates.

CONNECTION, CARE AND SELF-WORTH

Allows us to truly connect with ourselves and others, giving/receiving, care, acceptance, kindness, encouragement, support and feelings of belonging, purpose and worthiness (self-worth).

SELF-LOVE AND HEALING

Action-oriented self-care, self-compassion and processing emotions mindfully
Balances parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems for calm
Detoxes and deactivates stress chemicals involved in Threat and Drive Systems.

BACKDRAFT EMOTIONS
Old Repressed Pain that Arises

It takes courage to change how you treat yourself. Why? When you start practicing self-compassion, you come head-to-head with backdraft.

It can be unsettling when you expect to feel better, only to feel suffering at first.
However, backdraft is a sign that healing has begun. Backdraft refers to pain – old, repressed pain – that arises when you give yourself kindness and compassion.
Backdraft is a firefighter term to describe what happens when a door is opened, flames rush-out as fresh oxygen rushes in.
Similarly, we experience fiery, overwhelming pain, as we open the door of our hearts to the fresh air of self-compassion.

BACKDRAFT EMOTIONS VIDEOS

"Mindful Self-Compassion is about learning to be awake. Being awake is about recognizing that you are not your inner volatile stream of thoughts, emotions and sensation. Like clouds passing through the sky, these things come and go. But they are not you."
Aletheia Luna

SELF-COMPASSION VIDEOS

"Self-compassion is not about giving yourself anything you want because you feel bad. Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we fail or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism."
Su Yin Yap, PhD

HEALING SHAME VIDEOS

"The goal of Self-Compassion practice is to become a compassionate mess. All of our issues - like entitlement, anger, and self-loathing will be there, but can we hold them with compassion so we're not overwhelmed by them."
Kristen Neff, PhD

WORKSHEETS AND PRACTICES

DAILY PRACTICES

GUIDED MEDITATION OPTIONS
EFFECTIVENESS IS BASED ON A DAILY SELF-COMPASSION MEDITATION

DAILY SIMPLE COMFORTS

OXYTOCIN BOOSTERS

ACTION-ORIENTED SELF-CARE

ONE TIME (OR AS NEEDED) PRACTICES

FEELING ACCOMPLISHMENTS

SELF COMPASSION LETTERS

REALIZE YOUR VALUES

RELATING TO YOURSELF

ADDITIONAL WORK TO BUILD SOOTHING SYSTEM AND SELF-LEADERSHIP WITH SELF-COMPASSION

INNER CRITIC WORK

SELF-WORTH AND CONNECTION

EMOTIONAL HEALTH SKILLS

PSYCHOEDUCATION HOME PAGE

My Approach

SHAME DETOX

UNPACKING SHAME

"The feeling of shame has a reputation of being the vampire of emotions – the feeling that will suck the life right out of you. Because it comes with a very physical discomfort." Ericka Martin, MA, LPC

AVOIDANCE PATTERNS AND MALADAPTIVE 'GETTING' AND 'PROTECTING' REACTIONS

"Our ‘tricky’ brains can produce dozens of unwanted thoughts... we can hold onto the pain of the past, we can get triggered by unwanted anxieties about the future, and we can attack present unwanted emotions with our Inner Critics." Andreas Comninos, PhD

WHAT IS SHAME? Shame is a Social Emotion

"Shame is one of the most painful emotions because it detects for the most foundational of human survival needs, the need to feel safe, connected and the need to belong." Chris Germer, PhD

SHAME IS YOUR 'INNER SHOULD' AND 'INNER CRITIC'

"No matter how much work on your external life, you still find yourself consumed by toxic shame, anger, self-pity and self-destructive behaviors. No one taught you to take the hard path, peek underneath the curtain of your mind and shine a torch into its deepest recesses." Aletheia Luna, PhD

SELF-CONSCIOUS NATURE OF SHAME IS LINKED TO ITS SOCIAL NATURE

"We heal ourselves on the mental level as we become aware of our core beliefs, release those that limit us, and open to more supportive ideas and greater understanding." Shakti Gawain

SHAMED-BASED CORE BELIEFS AND CHILDHOOD ROLES

"Healthy shame motivates for goal achievement. It helps you live a value-driven life. It acts like a curb, nudging you back to alignment with your deepest sense of integrity. Wrong is wrong. Even when it helps you." Karla McLaren, EdD

HEALTHY VS TOXIC SHAME

AUTHENTIC 'HEALTHY SHAME'

INAUTHENTIC 'TOXIC SHAME'

"Healthy Shame helps you live up to the agreements you’ve made and the morals you value. Shame protects your position in the social world, and it protects you from stepping off of the path you’ve set for yourself." Karla McLaren, EdD

"Toxic shame is the pervasive feeling that who we are, rather than what we have done, is condemnable. as if we are unworthy, unlovable, and defective. This makes it difficult to be our authentic self, thus sustaining intimate relationships can be challenging." Brene Brown, PhD

SELF-COMPASSION IS BALANCE

"Lack of self-forgiveness causes almost all of our self-sabotaging behavior." Mark Victor Hansen

WHAT IS SHAME? Shame is a Social Emotion

WORKSHEETS AND PRACTICES

EMOTIONAL HEALTH SKILLS

MORE ABOUT THE THREE SYSTEMS

THREAT SYSTEM

"I define [toxic] shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed, unworthy of love and belonging – as if something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection." Brene Brown, PhD

DRIVE SYSTEM

"Self Compassion is the process of reparenting ourselves by meeting our own needs and seeing ourselves as worthy." Anna Papatheodorou, AMFT

SOOTHING SYSTEM

BACKDRAFT EMOTIONS Old Repressed Pain that Arises

BACKDRAFT EMOTIONS VIDEOS

"Mindful Self-Compassion is about learning to be awake. Being awake is about recognizing that you are not your inner volatile stream of thoughts, emotions and sensation. Like clouds passing through the sky, these things come and go. But they are not you." Aletheia Luna

SELF-COMPASSION VIDEOS

"Self-compassion is not about giving yourself anything you want because you feel bad. Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we fail or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism." Su Yin Yap, PhD

HEALING SHAME VIDEOS

"The goal of Self-Compassion practice is to become a compassionate mess. All of our issues - like entitlement, anger, and self-loathing will be there, but can we hold them with compassion so we're not overwhelmed by them." Kristen Neff, PhD

WORKSHEETS AND PRACTICES

DAILY SIMPLE COMFORTS

OXYTOCIN BOOSTERS

ACTION-ORIENTED SELF-CARE

FEELING ACCOMPLISHMENTS

SELF COMPASSION LETTERS

REALIZE YOUR VALUES

RELATING TO YOURSELF

ADDITIONAL WORK TO BUILD SOOTHING SYSTEM AND SELF-LEADERSHIP WITH SELF-COMPASSION

INNER CRITIC WORK

SELF-WORTH AND CONNECTION

EMOTIONAL HEALTH SKILLS

PSYCHOEDUCATION HOME PAGE

"The feeling of shame has a reputation of being the vampire of emotions – the feeling that will suck the life right out of you. Because it comes with a very physical discomfort."
Ericka Martin, MA, LPC

"Our ‘tricky’ brains can produce dozens of unwanted thoughts... we can hold onto the pain of the past, we can get triggered by unwanted anxieties about the future, and we can attack present unwanted emotions with our Inner Critics."
Andreas Comninos, PhD

WHAT IS SHAME?
Shame is a Social Emotion

"Shame is one of the most painful emotions because it detects for the most foundational of human survival needs, the need to feel safe, connected and the need to belong."
Chris Germer, PhD

"No matter how much work on your external life, you still find yourself consumed by toxic shame, anger, self-pity and self-destructive behaviors. No one taught you to take the hard path, peek underneath the curtain of your mind and shine a torch into its deepest recesses."
Aletheia Luna, PhD

"We heal ourselves on the mental level as we become aware of our core beliefs, release those that limit us, and open to more supportive ideas and greater understanding."
Shakti Gawain

"Healthy shame motivates for goal achievement. It helps you live a value-driven life. It acts like a curb, nudging you back to alignment with your deepest sense of integrity. Wrong is wrong. Even when it helps you."
Karla McLaren, EdD

AUTHENTIC
'HEALTHY SHAME'

INAUTHENTIC
'TOXIC SHAME'

"Healthy Shame helps you live up to the agreements you’ve made and the morals you value. Shame protects your position in the social world, and it protects you from stepping off of the path you’ve set for yourself."
Karla McLaren, EdD

"Toxic shame is the pervasive feeling that who we are, rather than what we have done, is condemnable. as if we are unworthy, unlovable, and defective. This makes it difficult to be our authentic self, thus sustaining intimate relationships can be challenging."
Brene Brown, PhD

"Lack of self-forgiveness causes almost all of our self-sabotaging behavior."
Mark Victor Hansen

WHAT IS SHAME?
Shame is a Social Emotion

"I define [toxic] shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed, unworthy of love and belonging – as if something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection."
Brene Brown, PhD

"Self Compassion is the process of reparenting ourselves by meeting our own needs and seeing ourselves as worthy."
Anna Papatheodorou, AMFT

BACKDRAFT EMOTIONS
Old Repressed Pain that Arises

"Mindful Self-Compassion is about learning to be awake. Being awake is about recognizing that you are not your inner volatile stream of thoughts, emotions and sensation. Like clouds passing through the sky, these things come and go. But they are not you."
Aletheia Luna

"Self-compassion is not about giving yourself anything you want because you feel bad. Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we fail or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism."
Su Yin Yap, PhD

"The goal of Self-Compassion practice is to become a compassionate mess. All of our issues - like entitlement, anger, and self-loathing will be there, but can we hold them with compassion so we're not overwhelmed by them."
Kristen Neff, PhD