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What is Self Leadership?

We learn about math and literature in school, but why don't we learn about emotions? We are not born knowing how to regulate our emotions. It is a skill we must learn and practice. Learn to process painful emotions and flashbacks, depressive states and breakthrough suffering.

Understanding emotions will change your life. Realize the profound benefits and fulfillment of working with your emotions, instead of trying to numb them, mindlessly react to them, or get overwhelmed by them.

Thoughts versus Emotions

Much of what we say we feel, is really what we think. "I feel you're unfair." "I feel stupid." These are thoughts! Thoughts are word-based beliefs that stem from what we've learned from others and our past. Thoughts are indirect - and not the true essence of who we are. Thoughts are, of course, incredibly useful! Although, thoughts are more like a map of a town, whereas, emotions are like actually exploring, enjoying and experiencing the town real-time.

thoughts are like a map of a town

emotions are like experiencing a town

If you want to know how you feel about something, how do you feel about it right now? Emotions are direct links to your authenticity. Just as hunger motivates you to find food, emotions motivate you to take care of other needs, like safety and social connection that promote survival, self-worth, a sense of purpose and belonging. Emotions are ALWAYS 'on' even though subtle at times.

"Healing comes from taking responsibility to realize that it is you - and no one else - that creates your thoughts, feelings and actions.”

Peter Shepherd

Emotions are an essential part of your existence, self-worth and sense of purpose. With Emotional Health Skills and Self Leadership you can untangle thoughts from feelings, process even the most painful emotions, rather than depress or over-express them, so you feel cleaner, lighter, empowered and self-connected with Self-Leadership (Wise Mind).

If you want to know how you feel about something, how do you feel about it right now? Emotions are direct links to your authenticity - your likes, dislikes, your wants, needs, boundaries and more

Self Leadership (Wise Mind) Over Emotions

To get started, it is essential to understand Self Leadership, the ability to be aware of and observe your emotions and thoughts. Simply put, Wise Mind is your ability to take 100% responsibility for ALL of your emotions, so you may connect with, OVERSEE and GUIDE your Rational Mind and your Emotional Mind.


Being in Wise Mind allows you to ideally respond to triggers and stressors, rather than mindlessly react. This conscious, curious, present self-connection is also needed to help you navigate the big stuff in life, heal from hardships, boost self-worth, and create wholehearted connection with loved-ones.


Without Wise Mind, disconnected from emotions, or trying to 'think' your way through them, leaves you susceptible to REACTIVITY, stress-reactions (Fight-Flight-Fawn-Freeze) and maladaptive protective strategies. Outer Child can react so fast, within 100 milliseconds, that it might seem AUTOMATIC! Wise Mind is essential to allow enough space and time (at least 10 minutes... sometimes 3 days for big stuff) to calm yourself before reactivity occurs.



Our Emotional Mind doesn't go away when we turn 18. Emotional Mind never 'grows-up' or becomes rational. We don't 'grow-out' out of emotions. Emotions are imperfect, playful, spontaneous, erratic and irrational. We can't expect emotions to be mature or rational, as they don't come from our rational, prefrontal cortex.


Without Wise Mind, over-expressing emotions, reactivity, and other maladaptive ways of handling or trying to avoid our emotions, can run our lives. Neglecting, self-medicating, or suppressing emotions quickly - or eventually - results in reactivity, irrational behaviors, anxiety disorders, temper tantrums, depression, resentment, blame, shame, stress-reactions, failures, addictions, dysfunctional relating patterns and more.


Engage your Wise Mind by observing your thoughts and emotions. This gives you power to understand and process through EVERY emotional experience. True adulthood, maturity and self-love involves taking 100% responsibility for your thoughts and emotions. For many, this never happens. This is why so many adults don't behave like adults at all.

During high-stress or triggered states, it's best to not react or communicate (remain out of the Dreaded Drama Triangle, which you will learn about in Communication Course). Instead of trying to react when you are in a high-stress situation, tell yourself, and if need be, tell the other person involved, that you need time to process.

Then, later that day sit with your Emotional Mind and use journal practices like F.L.O.W. to process through the experience. This is also how we discover what we truly need or want, how to plan to respond, set boundaries or take corrective action as needed.

"Nobody is responsible for your own sadness except for you. Nobody is responsible for your fear except you. You are the only person responsible for any and all of your emotions... positive, negative, and everything in between."

Chris Cade

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